Articles, Blog

Why You Never Have Enough Time

January 6, 2020


We’re living in an accelerating world and sometimes I feel like I’m just getting swept right along For many people. It’s keeping up with the Joneses, right? We’ve all heard that one buying enough having the right friends and connections the net worth the social networks But for me, it goes even deeper than that ask myself. Am I doing enough? Am I accomplishing enough? I Don’t know how much this has to do with my mortality. But if I died right now, I’d be like shit. I’m not ready. I Didn’t hit the milestones I created for myself that I invented for myself. I haven’t made it yet I’m living always planning because I want to secure a good future make a name for myself because I Want the edge I want to get ahead It’s weird to think that even on our worst days were all already productivity gods compared to people from the past No messenger during the Renaissance could hope to ever compete with the speed of your text message No map maker could dream of the accuracy of your location services Nobody could even tell the time ultra accurately like we can now Think about that for a second people guessed what time it was and good luck trying to figure it out at night. I Think I’m buying into the very American narrative that you always need to work harder push further Keep going for longer or you will be a failure on nobody Funnily enough this applies even to the fun stuff leisure Everyone is trying to outdo each other which is both sad and hilarious at the same time It’s kind of surreal and I can’t help but think like what for? Isn’t working really hard on something within reason and still taking care of yourself. Good enough What’s the big rush that I see around me the anxiety that I feel bubbling up in my own chest? Considering there’s just not enough time to do it all anyway Even if I somehow read a book a day for the rest of my life, which isn’t going to happen Let me tell you I’d only absorb a drop of all human knowledge There’s no way I’m going to get to it all I wonder how many books it would be Most people don’t live to see their 30,000th day but even if that made me the smartest person in the world, who cares Death is the great equalizer. Did I at least enjoy any of those books? What did they teach me about the human condition? I? Think it’s a poor definition of wealth to just focus on accumulating money and possessions Look at what the focus on perpetual economic growth is doing to our planet We’re getting way out of touch with what really matters It is not that we have a short time to live but that we waste a lot of it those were words that Seneca said and I am breaking my head trying to figure that out because I just feel like I did there’s this constant push to do more and I feel Like I gotta fill all my time with as many experiences as possible And I think there is a wonderful aspect to that but then there’s a part of me that Feels like it’s running. It’s running from something. There’s a scary truth. I Spent a lot of time kind of thinking about why I’m so interested in productivity and having more order in my life and you know just being more structured in general and it’s made me think that maybe even productivity itself is a distraction to a bigger question and You know It’s it’s basically something that we spend so much time trying to focus on and build and grow but to what end? Like what is all this productivity even for? One thing I’m realizing that I’m starting to see very clearly now is that I have to enjoy myself throughout the process for it to show and the final result and this is something I struggle with so much because every time I try to remove something from my schedule Or an activity or whatnot. I always seem to fill that free space that free time with something else It’s almost like I’m uncomfortable with free time and being bored. We’re not knowing what to do packing every single second in is In a way kind of taking a toll it’s taking a toll on my ability to enjoy every moment and be present I’m sharing all this with you guys because this part of living that Seneca talked about feels like something that Actually really bad at I’m not I don’t I’m not good at this taking pauses. I going slowly I think it’s addicting to go fast and create and put stuff out there feel productive, but that’s not everything and Yeah, I don’t want to provide the answers it’s something that I’m trying to sort of Explore right now because the truth is I feel funny sometimes presenting everything so cleanly and in such a polished way because I am still somebody who gets easily distracted and Has trouble being super present sometimes and all the things that I’m trying to do I think they’re helping but I feel like I have such a long way to go still and This is tough. I think this is like One of the things that we’re all having to face now in this new crazy fast-paced world And I’m not sure anybody has all the answers to this. I Think mental clarity for me right now is about finding my way back to the present moment I still fully believe in the power of habits of the compound effect of living like an essentialist of Working really hard and pushing myself. But again, none of it counts for much if I’m not living in the here and now It’s easy to lose sight of things and I’m seeing how overdoing it with self-imposed structure and pressure and Expectation actually limits my access to creativity and inspiration and the magic that sometimes accidentally happens so back to Seneca for a moment because what he had to say is so valuable to me right now is I try to figure Things out he couldn’t believe how careful people were with their things, you know that property and money, but not at all with their time Attempting to do it all isn’t going to get us anywhere interestingly I found that it’s actually super counterproductive for me Always being busy is a decision and it has wreaked havoc on my sense of internal quiet and well-being So basically from experience Bizzy does not equal a good or intentional use of time Increasingly, I’m appreciating the philosophy of a Greek man named Epicurus who lived hundreds of years before Seneca So we’re reaching even further back in history He placed a lot of value in finding tranquility through living with simplicity and modest spending time with friends That doesn’t sound bad at all Maybe I’ve been tricked into thinking it takes that much more to be joyful and have a sense of well-being. I Think staying busy might be one of my worst habits and it’s gonna take me a long time to unlearn this one. I Don’t know if there’s a magical way of making that happen But I’d like to propose a solution that I’m doing my best to implement instead of blaming society other people or the world around me I Don’t think it’s necessary to change everything, but I’m trying to remind myself to just go 10% slower Take more moments to stop and breathe There’s absolutely nothing original or groundbreaking about that idea and that’s the point there’s no need to be revolutionary here So Bernardo and I were riding around monte isola this little island here when we spotted that Ultra, tiny island over there it is. There’s a little castle on there. It looks insane What I would do to be able to get on that island. I can’t believe there’s nobody here. Like seriously, where are all the people? The colors and everything to just the Blues the Blues in the sky the Blues in the water Here we are Wow super cool it’s amazing how we fill our lives almost to the brim with every possible distraction every possible way of Ignoring forgetting and running from the present moment I’m doing my best to remind myself not to sprint all the time because what’s the rush this is life that is happening right now There’s no getting there we’re already there

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100 Comments

  • Reply KICKBUTTVIDS November 12, 2019 at 7:07 pm

    "There's no getting there. We're already there." The shot seems to move forward towards the island while maintaining a stationary perspective, representing the illusion of progress in life. The island represents a future goal for him and his work is to just enjoy admiring it from the shore. Reminds me of To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf. We're all drawn in to our desires inexplicably and often they don't hold the fulfillment we seek. It's about appreciating what we have in the present moment. Nathaniel, you are a genius and your cinematography is poetry.

  • Reply Lionel Bokeli December 3, 2019 at 9:31 am

    Is this Lake Como ? Been there last summer 🙂

  • Reply Matteo Rigoni December 3, 2019 at 11:32 am

    Very interesting content

  • Reply Benjamin Codilla December 3, 2019 at 7:55 pm

    I'm always asking am I doing enough
    Damn

  • Reply Ayomide Oluwatudimu December 3, 2019 at 9:34 pm

    The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer – Book Recomendation

  • Reply Ashley Korpela December 4, 2019 at 2:48 am

    Some good stoicism content right here! Love it so much, thanks for the reminder as I also have been trying to remain in the present moment.

  • Reply The Skweezy December 4, 2019 at 3:08 am

    Isn’t it funny, every decision we’ve ever made has led us to this moment. I want you to think about that.

  • Reply Noah December 4, 2019 at 8:32 am

    This is an amazing video. Should be encouraged viewing for people… everywhere.

  • Reply Claudia Dentato December 4, 2019 at 9:25 am

    Great video, and it was shot in my beautiful country, Italy!! Loved it 😍

  • Reply MarcIndelicato December 4, 2019 at 9:41 am

    Because we have never enough ! everybody dies one day ! And this video will not change anything 🙂

  • Reply Harriet Minns December 4, 2019 at 10:28 am

    It’s become so normalised to be a workaholic. It’s dangerous.

  • Reply Michael Ogbole December 4, 2019 at 12:24 pm

    There's no getting there, we're already there.

  • Reply Amin December 4, 2019 at 12:50 pm

    2:05 that book is in italian

  • Reply Amin December 4, 2019 at 12:51 pm

    2:24 that comic is also in italian

  • Reply Marco Famà December 4, 2019 at 4:05 pm

    Sei fantastico, Nathaniel – can't believe I only found out your channel a few days ago, when searching for a way to learn Spanish much fater than Duolingo 🙂 Grazie di tutto, keep this up man!

  • Reply Bodiless Voice December 4, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    I've noticed that time is always on my side. I always have plenty of time. That's life.

  • Reply Andrea Bonadei December 4, 2019 at 7:39 pm

    Bel video complimenti. Sono contento tu abbia vistato Montisola 😀 Buona giornata

  • Reply TaftFreeKickers December 5, 2019 at 12:39 am

    Recently started watching your videos and I’m really impressed.Your videos are great quality with value!

  • Reply Order of Shadow December 5, 2019 at 1:11 am

    We spend time on productivity to make time.

  • Reply lisa December 5, 2019 at 2:07 am

    Cutie

  • Reply Mavago December 5, 2019 at 4:09 am

    Bro, read Deepak Chopra's book: Synchrodestiny, it may answer your question about what productivity is for!
    Btw, your videos are GREAT, you inspire people

  • Reply arnie December 5, 2019 at 6:47 am

    oh my god can we be friends pls

  • Reply Tóth Nikolett December 5, 2019 at 9:59 am

    I love this video ♥

  • Reply SirChillicious December 5, 2019 at 12:39 pm

    Absolutely loved this dude, your videos keep getting better and I love that you're sharing your state of being inspired with all of us. Keep going!

  • Reply Shaswata Sarkar December 5, 2019 at 9:34 pm

    Watching this again, after watching Matt D'Avella's "Watch this before you Die". Really puts things into perspective. ❤️

  • Reply Jordan Arcos December 6, 2019 at 12:09 am

    Have you heard of Alan Watts? Listening to him helps me with the things described in your video

  • Reply Rafał Wróbel December 6, 2019 at 6:32 am

    Where did you shoot that video? It's so beautiiful!

  • Reply Eduardo December 6, 2019 at 3:48 pm

    Nathaniel, can you show your camera settings and how do you edit your videos ?

  • Reply Eduardo December 6, 2019 at 3:50 pm

    BTW I love your videos

  • Reply spiritual eco-syndicalist hero of the working class December 6, 2019 at 4:39 pm

    First step is figuring out how to reach your goals
    Second one is to realize that the way itself is the goal
    Third one is to realize that the start, the way and the goal are all the same thing, that time is now and space is here and that you can‘t make mistakes because everything happens like it should.

  • Reply M Man December 6, 2019 at 6:04 pm

    5:33 Bro are you doing Deliveroo up in the mountains?

  • Reply paul witherspoon December 6, 2019 at 11:50 pm

    "A civilization is born Stoic and dies Epicurean" Will Durant

  • Reply Ashley Wallflower December 7, 2019 at 12:06 am

    Something in me broke as I was watching this. You have inspired me to creativity again.

  • Reply Jacob L. December 7, 2019 at 9:29 am

    0:13 would have been a dope rap line

  • Reply tsseksika othys December 7, 2019 at 5:12 pm

    thank youso much for making this amazing video

  • Reply mi mi mi mi mi a December 7, 2019 at 5:26 pm

    why is he Matt D'Avella 2.0 but at the same time Harry Potter 2.0 … ?This is sort of insane

  • Reply LOVE THE UNIVERSE December 7, 2019 at 5:40 pm

    Thank you so much 💚

  • Reply Duhminhster December 7, 2019 at 6:02 pm

    DUDEEEEE YOUR VIDEOS ARE SICK NASTY. so inspirational, it makes me cry

  • Reply Amina088 December 7, 2019 at 6:12 pm

    There is something about you that it very genuine. It's relaxing and reassuring to listen to you and see your different expression. Thanking for sharing your vulnerability with us in this journey we are all taking… the journey called "life."

  • Reply Hoopers Dream December 7, 2019 at 10:19 pm

    Inspired by "On the Shortness of Life: Life Is Long If You Know How to Use It " by Seneca

  • Reply Maria December 7, 2019 at 11:58 pm

    If you haven'y yet, you should read the Tao de Ching, the main text of the Daoists, as well as a cute little short story called "The Tao of Pooh," which ultimately explains how Winnie the Pooh was the ultimate Daoist, living in the present, while Busy Rabbit, Discontent Eyore, Clever Owl, and TImid Piglet filled up their time with nonsense. It's very eye opening.
    We all have our vices and coping mechanisms with how we choose to numb the intimidation of the vastness and constant forward propulsion of the Universe. It's scary, and it's scary to sit in the spaces in between things, in the stillness, but I think that is what life is; the spaces in between things.
    Boredom is a result of lack of awareness of the divinity around us, in our bedrooms, in an empty living room, a quiet walk. The Daoists deemed work and personal achievement to be good, as long as there isn't an identity with that work and achievement. The work should be done without an end goal; it should be done to enjoy the spaces in between the work, and so that when the result is achieved, you can once again enjoy the stillness, and look back seeing how slow, small incremements done in a state of peace achieved a far more rewarding result than fast, distracted work that didn't stop to smell the roses. Out of all the religious philosophies I've studied, the Daoists seem to be the closest to the truth of things to me.

  • Reply Alvaro Garavito December 8, 2019 at 2:07 am

    if I worked more, I'd have more money. and with that money, I would buy free time.

  • Reply Nobody December 8, 2019 at 4:03 am

    Matt D’Avella kinda vibe

  • Reply shada abugharsa December 8, 2019 at 8:37 am

    ♥️♥️♥️

  • Reply Fishy words December 8, 2019 at 2:16 pm

    Your words make me realize i don't have much time for things that not supporting my life. Thank you

  • Reply Yam Fabulous December 8, 2019 at 2:21 pm

    Man, i love you.

  • Reply Emma King December 8, 2019 at 3:15 pm

    i'm obsessed with every single one of your videos. wow, just wow.

  • Reply Haruzo December 8, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    AI takeover can't come soon enough

  • Reply Kelsey Watlington December 8, 2019 at 5:43 pm

    Nathaniel,

    I loved this video. You were incredibly open and honest, and I really appreciated your realizations. Something that really helped me was reading, studying, and living by the teachings of Bhagavad Gita As It Is. Maybe it will help you figure things out. I have definitely started to find a sense of tranquility through the processes recommended in this book. Thank you again for sharing.

  • Reply Labroidas December 8, 2019 at 10:10 pm

    Dude I wish I knew you in real life, you seem like the greatest person to have philosophical discussions with. The way you question your own feelings about the dynamics in your life, and how you are thinking about the intrinsic expectations of society and how it influences our opinion of how our life is ideally lived, shows that you are trying to be much more aware of yourself and the world than anybody I know.

  • Reply Titus Feliciano December 9, 2019 at 5:53 am

    Feel exactly the same!

  • Reply Anant Vishwakarma December 9, 2019 at 10:52 am

    I've said this before but I've been following this channel for quite a while and the quality of the content here just never seizes to amaze me. The way you tell your stories, the cinematography, it just draws you in. The content here has really helped me through times when I felt lost and has often provided me with a new perspective from which to view things. I feel like this channel has become a part of me and I really appreciate the hardwork you put into this.

  • Reply MJ T December 9, 2019 at 1:28 pm

    I have good news for you…you're normal. When you get considerably older, you'll be to tired too rush. I'm a former pilot, business owner, world traveler, medical professional and journalist. Now, I work in a library and ride an 'old school' bicycle. I read excessively, walk, swim, quit social media and a student/practitioner of stoicism. Life has seasons. That's nothing new. Keep going. You're doing great.

  • Reply Rasika December 10, 2019 at 12:20 am

    My favorite video of yours so far 🙂 You are asking the right questions my friend. I myself have increasingly been slowing down my life and loving it 🐌

  • Reply Daisy Montgomery December 10, 2019 at 1:20 am

    The ability to be bored is what differentiates humans from other animals, it's the driving force. Don't be afriad to be bored, I feel like, at least for me, my greatest ideas and motivations come from being bored and really, truly wanting to do something. I think we should focus more on doing and accomplishing the thing we actually want to do vs the number of things we feel we should do.

  • Reply Trevon Campbell December 10, 2019 at 3:07 am

    Wow. favorite video of yours that I've seen so far. Thank you.

  • Reply Swapnil Solanki December 10, 2019 at 3:15 am

    Poetry

  • Reply Hunter Allen December 10, 2019 at 5:44 am

    bro that ending shot was disgusting!!!

  • Reply Hunter Allen December 10, 2019 at 5:44 am

    freaking loved this video. I love your content. Keep up the good work.

  • Reply Kawaii Dere December 10, 2019 at 1:32 pm

    I never have enough time because my schedule doesn’t work with school

  • Reply Jacob Anderson December 10, 2019 at 4:09 pm

    I think that's why Roberto Blake's season of hustle is so important for anyone building something. Career, business, whatever. It's fine to sprint for a short period of time because things take work. But you can't burn the candle both ends for very long. And if you did there would be no time to enjoy what you've built.

  • Reply Miyase Öz December 10, 2019 at 7:46 pm

    21 years old and a mindset like this?
    Goals.

  • Reply Pat Jones December 10, 2019 at 7:55 pm

    It would be interesting for you to find how how Indigenous your roots are… In many Indigenous cultures people who have this restlessness inside them, who are sensitive to their environments & others are usually considered to be people meant to be spiritual advisors or leaders. These types people usually have a higher spiritual connection/vibration. Empathic in many ways & though various teachings & though study & apprenticeship, they are taught to redirect these physical energies into spiritual consciousness. They can be advisors, healers or teachers. That energy for life, learning, all that energy, anxiety, all that ENERGY is redirected & balanced out into spiritual consciousness, growth & a calmness & stillness is found. So the ability to be a fountain of what can be discribed as almost chaotic energy is physically transformed into a higher spiritual connection/consciousness. It is considered a gift/blessing. You emerge almost this revenant person. It would be interesting to see if those Indigenous parts of you are trying to make their selves evident?! You could be gifted & not know it, because you were raised in mainstream, western society…

  • Reply Fraser Jones December 10, 2019 at 8:48 pm

    How did you learn motion graphics? They make your videos so clean!

  • Reply k22kk22k December 11, 2019 at 11:25 am

    While taking a shower after watching your video, I suddenly realized I had already actualized my childhood dream: to become a software engineer.
    Even though I'm doing what I dreamt of, I'm constantly overwhelmed and depressed by fast progress of technology, ever-changing situation, and lack of time for what I really want to do.
    I have been considering changing my career plan to free up some time for my passion, but you made me wonder it could just put me in another instance of similar torment (I mean "similar" in nature) if I maintain the current view of the world around me.
    I'm still confused at what to do, but my understanding of current situation got deeper and clearer now.
    Thank you for inspiring me. Love from Japan 🙂

  • Reply Keely Pace December 11, 2019 at 3:30 pm

    Your video reminds me of Matt D'Avella. Very inspiring and calming.

  • Reply Dorothy Esmay Cohen December 12, 2019 at 8:11 pm

    It's cuz you're always on that damn phone. -vine mum

  • Reply Fernanda S December 12, 2019 at 10:18 pm

    have i told u that i love u?💕

  • Reply marcello furli December 13, 2019 at 11:15 pm

    Man. So deep.

  • Reply marcello furli December 13, 2019 at 11:24 pm

    The final scene in this video is amazing. (also the entire video). Good job.

  • Reply Arthur Monteiro December 14, 2019 at 12:06 am

    kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk q merda heim qkkkkkk tao tudo achando bonito ne essa merda

  • Reply aethisnna December 14, 2019 at 2:27 am

    I’m quite the opposite but watching this helped me see that it is necessary to have a balance in life. Everyone’s different, but everyone’s achieves their goals at different times.

  • Reply Miriam December 14, 2019 at 3:02 pm

    “Take more moments to stop and breathe”. But I don’t have the time to stop and breathe

  • Reply Chantalle N December 14, 2019 at 3:36 pm

    Anyone else have a existential crisis watching this? o__o hot damn

  • Reply Angelica M December 14, 2019 at 7:54 pm

    Nathaniel, your cinematography is like visual poetry. You are, above all, my most favourite YouTuber EVER. Any advice for a fifteen year-old starting her journey in filmmaking?

  • Reply Sebastiano Trunfio December 15, 2019 at 2:20 am

    I see you in the italian video with marcello ascani. Your videos are very great, when you talk there is tone of voice that include quiet, stability, and good vibes. Subscribed.

  • Reply Franklin Galdino December 15, 2019 at 3:25 am

    Your videos are just fantastic and I can't thank you enough for the content you bring for us. I am a big fan of your thoughts and the way you are setting up your life. Many of your videos help me a lot to get back on track or at least remind myself of how much there's to live. Thank you Nathaniel, you are helping me and I'm sure that many others too, dealing with anxiety and depression.

  • Reply Varun Shah December 15, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    " There's no getting there, we are already there. " Wise words that I'll keep close to me all the time.

  • Reply Shrek is the ideal man December 16, 2019 at 5:27 am

    Nathaniel Drew is NOT the ideal man

  • Reply Melissa Najera December 16, 2019 at 3:33 pm

    Great message. Where was this video filmed? It is beautiful?

  • Reply Dave Fischer December 17, 2019 at 3:40 am

    Wow this was amazing 🙂

  • Reply Dr. Ismayil Edavarad December 17, 2019 at 7:19 pm

    The real life starts only after death

  • Reply Ibrahim Ali December 18, 2019 at 4:34 am

    I enjoyed your accent calm and cool yes

  • Reply Kavik Kang December 18, 2019 at 7:12 am

    I've watched a few of your videos, and I love them. Keep being the person you are trying to become, knowing that you can never fully get there. I just had to leave you this post letting you know that I've decided that you are a fellow "Tin Foil Hat Prophet". You are "one of us"… you think like us. It is a very exclusive club that includes only a few people such as myself, the inventor of what most people call "The Matrix", Neil Peart, and Philip J Klass. So welcome too the club, and the hat is optional. It's a pre-emptive defense, you don't actually need the hat;-)

  • Reply Venatix_ 92 December 18, 2019 at 3:51 pm

    I have just discovered your channel, and as a 25 year old, your perspective resonates with me on a spiritual level. I feel less scared to see that there are people lke myself, who are questioning life, the rat race and other lifestyles. Thank you.

  • Reply T-Bone December 23, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    This channel is amazing. Glad to have found Nate a few months ago, his content HAS honestly transformed my life and I am more present because of the profound messages in his vids.

  • Reply Eli Rivera December 24, 2019 at 8:30 am

    The background music, the narration, tone of voice, and of course the topic(along with everything else) make this my fav Nat D. video

  • Reply 9498리리 December 24, 2019 at 9:18 am

    I really love the way your mind works

  • Reply Jeaf Ninja December 24, 2019 at 2:39 pm

    Its like we are going to same thing at the same moment

  • Reply Cesar Navarrete December 24, 2019 at 9:19 pm

    3:58 Damn, I feel you, exactly the same feeling

  • Reply Sarah K December 27, 2019 at 2:41 pm

    This video literally sums up what's happening ever day in my mind since I can't even remember.

    Thank you Nathanial, I really needed this

  • Reply Gerry Marsh December 27, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    Just came across your videos , I’m 48 and even more confused about my ‘direction’
    So don’t be too hard on yourself lol
    Seems like you’re doing fine

  • Reply Zachary Lapat December 27, 2019 at 9:50 pm

    why doesn’t this guy already have more than a million subscribers

  • Reply idhruv ibhimj December 29, 2019 at 8:08 pm

    Whats the rush, darling? -Marina Rodenchia from Alvin and the chipmunks

  • Reply Gloria So December 30, 2019 at 6:29 am

    Hey! I just came across your videos and am loving your content, just watched a bunch in a row! Love your style and intellectual curiosity, but honestly the thing that made me smile the most was those shots of you just laughing and dancing. You can see the pure playfulness and joy!

  • Reply rupa datta December 30, 2019 at 12:33 pm

    https://youtu.be/EaWVhM6D0P4
    This song explains our living.

  • Reply Bobby Gotsch December 30, 2019 at 11:05 pm

    Nathaniel, you create beautiful, meaningful videos. Thank you. Keep doing it.

  • Reply Just For fun January 2, 2020 at 12:05 am

    Do you have a podcast? I would love to listen to one

  • Reply La chaine de Benji January 4, 2020 at 10:24 am

    As you said, the thing is not about "doing: but about "being". Let's work on that every single day. After we can "do" and "be" in the same time. If only we can be conscious at every single moment. I think everybody can do it. But we forgot in a way how to do it. Let's remember it 🙂

  • Reply nick landreth January 4, 2020 at 4:39 pm

    As a man driven to change the world. I have found when I try to push myself to only work toward my singular goal at any given time I get much less done. If I invest time in myself through meditation, cleaning, laughing, exercising. I find after this I can often get more done in a short time than if I had spent that time I spent self investing working toward my goal with no regard for my mental health.

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