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The Passive-Aggressive Covert Narcissist (Interview with Debbie Mirza)

October 10, 2019

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100 Comments

  • Reply Inner Integration January 24, 2018 at 5:12 am

    Los subtítulos en español ya vendrán!

  • Reply Amanda King August 23, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    This describes my husband. It is so scary when you finally realize that they have been manipulating you. I went unknowingly for 5 years…. just thinking we had problems and slowly always blaming myself more and more …letting myself go physically and emotionally and losing myself. When I finally started looking into narcissists….it was like a light bulb clicked on! And now he is on his way moving out of my life because I no longer let his games effect me. So it has made him so miserable he wants to leave….😁😁😁 winning

  • Reply Germán Rivas August 24, 2019 at 6:26 am

    Now imagine yourself being trapped in Venezuela, with this crazy crisis and aside trapped with two covert narcissists, at least they have applied me silence treatment.

  • Reply Marvin PhiRatio August 24, 2019 at 11:49 pm

    Did you say Occult or cult….thank you for changing my life in a day…. I now know whats going on around me with these evil people

  • Reply Kim Stopak August 26, 2019 at 9:57 am

    I am so blown away by this video. It has addressed and validated EVERYTHING I have endured in my 35 year marriage. I am finally able to leave this crazy-ness because I now know that covert narcissism is a real thing. I am not crazy! Thank you, thank you for saving my life!

  • Reply Scarletrise August 27, 2019 at 4:06 am

    I was really struggling last night feeling like well he wasn't that bad. It's been hard being in groups for narcissism where the stories are so heartbreaking and no where near what I went through and I started to wonder if I did the right thing. Then I watched this and I remembered all the subtle ways he would put me down, or rile me up, or how I would just be sad and not know why. I spent the first year totally confused, the second year really sad. At first I used to cry when he would give me the silent treatment, then I would cry even when nothing bad supposedly was going on because it was so subtle (his disapproval, his withholding, withdrawing from me, his air of superiority) Sometimes I would say do you even like me, it's almost like you dislike me. I felt it but couldn't pinpoint it. I would ask him if something was wrong when he would appear withdrawn but he would say everything is fine. It was confusing, how his energy was so different from his words. I stayed for three years and glad to be out of it but I still struggle. It's only been a mont of NC but this video really helped me see the truth.

  • Reply Billy Verve August 27, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    Can't speak for you gals…
    Men, buck up. Don't put up with her shit. Call her out on that bs you have been putting up with. if she's to rotten to change throw that bad apple away and go to the tree and pick you another one.
    Have you been damaged?
    Dust your ass off and get back to life man. If you can't do that don't tell me how you can't, I was in the military, can't doesn't exist in my vocabulary. It shouldn't in yours either.

  • Reply Dianna Bridgen August 27, 2019 at 7:55 pm

    Have a sister In law much like that queen of drama

  • Reply Susan Cristallee August 28, 2019 at 11:09 pm

    My covert Narc replaced me the day before my birthday. Thanks for validating me.

  • Reply V August 29, 2019 at 3:52 pm

    One of the things about having narc parents is that when they piss people off, those people sometimes think that by humiliating and degrading you, they are getting even with them. This, of course, delights them, because they are narcs; and hey, this person is making their life easier. I don't understand the necessity of humiliation in their game, but it is definitely a thing. This has happened to me more than once.

  • Reply V August 29, 2019 at 3:55 pm

    Special occasions: gets worse. They will eventually be so bad you will have to spend days in recovery. If this has happened since you were a child, you begin to despise birthdays, eventually the entire month is horrible. Christmas is the same. I never wanted to leave home, decorate, of have anyone over. Recently, I watched my mother devour a young drug addict. It was pathetic.

  • Reply V August 29, 2019 at 4:22 pm

    I have watched several videos with Debbie Mirza, and I notice that she has the same problem recalling words intermittently as I do. I wonder if she puts that down to dissociation?

  • Reply V August 29, 2019 at 4:26 pm

    The narc with high praise is very difficult to get your head around. Perhaps the reasoning is to make one feel shamed and lesser by comparison? It never seemed cruel at the moment, but I began to resent the person being praised.

  • Reply Craig Johnston August 30, 2019 at 3:34 pm

    Im a photographer my ex GF " You take great pictures of everyone else, I wonder why you cant take a good one of me" used all my photos of her for profile pictures. linkedin, instagram, facebook. After 5 months of stringing after the break up , came the discard . after 2 months of no contact she felt to send an email "HOOVER "telling me how "head over heals in love" she was with a new man. i then spoke to her and she started using all my portraits of her again. OK NARC.. PS : broke up by email with no clear reason

  • Reply Rochelle Sinclair August 30, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    From the bottom of my heart thank you for these interviews. The books. Those who all have come forward before me. You are saving my life. Thank you thank you thank you.

  • Reply May Quevedo September 1, 2019 at 8:58 pm

    Most therapists have NO idea how to work with narcissistic abuse survivors because they don´t understand everythimg that we have so clear. I´m so grateful I found you Meredith.

  • Reply Robbie Di Matteo September 2, 2019 at 6:27 pm

    My covert ex narc never even said he appreciated all the beautiful kind things I did every day for him. He actually acted like he couldn't give me the time of day sometimes

  • Reply Emily Hays September 3, 2019 at 1:21 am

    Your great.

  • Reply Anne Johnson September 3, 2019 at 11:52 pm

    You are describing my entire childhood and adulthood with my mother. She was horrible and treated me so unfairly and bullied and physically abused me for years and violently put me out on thd street at age 19 and never apologized and to the public, she is a sweet old lady but behind closed doors when it's just she and, she is crazy. I even went to her pastor to get spiritual help and she told him something and he never intetervened or even tried. I have tried for years to make amends with her and she would deny her behavior and start it back up again and now she is 83 and sick and I even tried to have a relationship with her and she never reciprocated so I just left her to her own devices. I never had a mother and I'm 56 years old and she never even tried an would have my older sisters bully me and it continued my entire life and they're horrible.

  • Reply Rafael Torres Vázquez September 4, 2019 at 2:43 am

    Que maravilla ver a dos bellezas, hablar de temas importantes
    …… Muchas gracias.!!!. Felicitaciones por un gran programa. Futuro,. mucho éxito!!!

  • Reply Jon Dhoe September 4, 2019 at 1:40 pm

    Ladies, you could try just asking, "What did that mean?" "What are you trying to say?" This is very successful. There's no point going on in uncertainty. Find out and straighten it out and ask, "Why don't you validate my art/skills/whatever"?? This should not be a mystery. Women have communicative gifts because they have great sensitivity. But with a man anyway, you just gotta call out the put-downs and say, "Stop putting me down. That's not helpful or nice." Or ask him to clarify his statement: "What do you mean?" You can get into it, but remain calm and yet aggressive. This will cause him to back down. But some men, if they are huge or have TT testosterone (higher levels) and possibly physically threatening, that could require some additional precautions and tact, or wait for a cool-off period to bring it up. I don't know how some women mate with men significantly bigger than them. I can't say I recommend it.

  • Reply Sunny Daye September 4, 2019 at 4:40 pm

    They use a lot of "Dog Whistling". Only you know they mean a statement as mean and cutting.

  • Reply Sugar Free September 4, 2019 at 11:35 pm

    Interesting that my narcississisters , I made up that word. That I moved away from told me all the things my Psychopathic husband was doing were sick and lies. What a dichotomy. They turned out to be good for something

  • Reply Ted Myrrh September 5, 2019 at 1:12 am

    the thing missing from your discussion largely is what the "victim" of narcissistic abuse should be responsible for. they are responsible for their needs, for their safety, their feelings, their disempowering themselves. no one gets free from this with out ownership, responsibility, boundaries. this is not blaming themselves. blame is guilt and shame oriented, ownership is self empowerment. the abused person needss loving accountability from people can hold the tension of empathy and compassion but also own up to your choices and needs. tough love tells "victims" the truth that they have been giving away their power. that they have unresolved childhood issues that they will bring to every relationship

  • Reply Madison Heights September 5, 2019 at 10:42 am

    The non-overt devaluing messages is like having your heart scrimshawed instead of being stabbed. Death by thousands of tiny cuts. I didn't find out (have it confirmed by my partners) until the relationships ended how much I was devalued inside their heads. Meanwhile, they had appreciated in value in mine.

  • Reply Liv Liv September 5, 2019 at 8:49 pm

    I. Feel. Sick.

  • Reply Angela Hagerman September 6, 2019 at 2:04 pm

    I was married for 20 years before I noticed…but once I noticed it I became and even bigger target for my narc and his family…they don't like to be outsmarted

  • Reply Angela Hagerman September 6, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    My narc would ignore me on my birthday and holidays….but that one time he wanted to make dinner for me on my birthday I was immediately on notice…I told him no and then when he had his narc family making a huge deal about my birthday I felt like they were trying to poison me ….and then when the MIL and the SIL wanted to take me to a furniture sale in the car with them by myself I declined gracefully…That was a first…and I didn't fall for it..

  • Reply Angela Hagerman September 6, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    Mine wrote me a letter when he was away…but as I read it, it sounded like he was high on drugs..

  • Reply Angela Hagerman September 6, 2019 at 2:11 pm

    NEVER EVER make plans with the narc…wait and spring it on them in front of the kids so that he won't back out…He or she always wants to be the good guy

  • Reply Bubbly Waters September 7, 2019 at 5:48 am

    55 years old and just now being hit in my whole being that my mother is a covert narc. And now that she knows that I know it's even worse. She let's her mask slip off ever so slightly and always just out of view of anyone else that's there, but she let's me know that she knows by the way she looks at me. She might as well wink when she's doing it. She's the creepiest person I've ever encountered.
    And the most dangerous and manipulative in so many hurtful ways.

  • Reply Bubbly Waters September 7, 2019 at 6:08 am

    I love the example of love talking about a pet. I understand now. I don't think I ever have until you said that. Thank you.

  • Reply Woman In love September 7, 2019 at 8:44 am

    "Holy hell" I'm going to watch that movie

  • Reply clarity September 9, 2019 at 12:52 am

    Coming to grips with my mother's covert narcissism (as well as the emotional incest she's inflicted over the years on me, her male only child) was one of the toughest things I ever had to do. It's much easier to see this trait in friends, colleagues, a mate or even a "bad" parent…but mom was doting and selfless by all surface standards. It took a lifetime for me to figure out that my mom raised and nurtured me according to exactly what she wanted for herself, rarely gave me unqualified compliments, and has NEVER expressed any interest or concern in me finding love and being happy. Now, at 70, she responds to a simple "hi mom how are you" with a list of her aches, pains and frustrations, dominates our every conversation with little room for my input (will ask me a question, allow me 5 seconds of response time before she goes on for literally for 5-10 minutes nonstop with her own story), and always manages to inject a subtle put-down into every conversation. Now I only deal with her when I feel up to it, with no more guilt about how others might see me as a bad son to such a wonderful lady. I am much better for it.

  • Reply Valerie Bogand September 9, 2019 at 7:13 am

    I believe one can be both!

  • Reply rtrouthouse September 10, 2019 at 9:53 am

    Can this just be my husband is a thoughtless boob? It*s so hard to know what he "means" to do or not.

  • Reply willieboy September 10, 2019 at 12:38 pm

    23:36 "at my level" response "from what I can see nobody is including the guy that wrote the book, they want to eat!".

  • Reply Alison September 10, 2019 at 3:17 pm

    i always resisted being told No. That made me a target of the narcissist, who Needed to control me. Which wore me down. But because I always resisted and had a natural backbone, that allowed me to never settle and always, if eventually, walk away. I did walk right into yet another narcissistic relationship, until finally, at the age of 54 and following this pattern, I did not give up and settle, and I feel I am cured. Now to practice in order to keep it that way.

  • Reply Coffee Aficionado September 11, 2019 at 2:30 am

    The last 6 months I would leave him feeling so drained and confused. I could never get a straight answer about any of my concerns. He'd send so many mixed signals I would be in agony for days. He'd always say I'm overreacting. His words seldom matched the actions.

  • Reply Gisela Rivera September 11, 2019 at 7:21 pm

    I had a relationship with a cover 🥺 listening to this is taking me back to the relationship

  • Reply Sharron Wells-Farmer September 12, 2019 at 2:47 pm

    Blessed by this!!!!!!

  • Reply Listen Linda September 13, 2019 at 1:38 am

    I’m learning, and fast. It’s too much.

  • Reply Jennifer Lowry September 13, 2019 at 1:38 am

    The comment about therapist… yes sooo true! Couple therapy, turned to my individual therapy, then at separation took teens on individual. I’m now being triangulated on all levels by covert ex, therapist, and teens. Keeping consistent with my beliefs and more self care making me stronger. My changes are angering teens and they are twisting and manipulating hence drama to teens. In custody and divorce battle almost a year. Money is confetti 🎊 to these guys just to prove a point of control. I’m fighting for principle and justice. I do wonder how much I can share with my kids after this as I have to keep quiet until settlement.

  • Reply Amina Wijntje September 13, 2019 at 8:13 pm

    Some people in the comments are referring to Narcissists as evil but I don't necessarily believe this. To be honest I feel rather sorry for them. A lot of them are actually looking for love and validation like everyone else but can never feel, find or hold on to it. It's sad because in a way they have a disability. One that causes the ones that love them the most to distance themselves…They will feel unfulfilled and lonely their whole lives. I've watched a lot of videos on this topic because I recently split up with a passive-aggressive covert Narcissist. In not one of those videos have I heard anyone offer a cure.

  • Reply Julianna Vogele September 14, 2019 at 4:56 am

    It seems like that's all I meet….and honestly I see some of these traits in me….

  • Reply Nikki F. September 14, 2019 at 11:50 pm

    Well, this video put the nail in the coffin to explain my ex-husband. He is precisely a covert narcissist. I of course attracted him after growing up with a overt narcissistic mother. I knew in my early 20’s that something was wrong with my mom but didn’t know what. During my extended deployments I had time outside my relationship with my husband to realize how controlling he was but still didn’t know what exactly he was. A shipmate and friend of mine was telling me about her horribly controlling ex and I shared my experience with my husband but made it sound like no big deal. I’ll never forget that look she gave me without saying a word. That’s when I did some soul searching and realized what he was doing but still didn’t have a name for him. After deployment I divorced him and went back to school and studied in the medical field and took an abnormal psychology class. That’s where I learned that not only is my mom a narcissist but also a histrionic. Later I started to realize that my ex-husband was maybe some type of narcissist but he acted very different from my mom, yet there were similarities such as being controlling. Then just now I watched this video and my brain almost exploded during the first 10 minutes because of the accurate description. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am now a subscriber.

  • Reply Yrr NV September 15, 2019 at 9:40 pm

    youtube videos as a lifeline to help us remember we are actually sane. That really sums it up.

  • Reply Yrr NV September 15, 2019 at 10:27 pm

    dopamine?

  • Reply J Gal September 16, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Sounds like my husband. Prince Charming 1/2 thr time then a demon. He was in his mood one day. I told him I really liked his new haircut. He got agitated. Says “was my hair so bad before!?”
    I walk on eggshells while he is constantly criticizing me. Making me feel inferior. Giving me silent treatment, then if I ask why he’s not talking to me. He tells me it’s bc I’m mad at him & he can’t take my issues anymore. If he makes mistakes, he points out all my flaws & tells me I think I’m perfect.

  • Reply Erika Arneson September 16, 2019 at 7:31 pm

    Sooooo fascinating and informative! Thank you for this video!

  • Reply primary feathers September 16, 2019 at 8:46 pm

    The covert can turn overt when you catch on and leave.

  • Reply Mitzi Ann September 17, 2019 at 3:27 pm

    Extremely validating. Explains so much. My mother was a narcissist but I didn't realize it until the day of my Dad's funeral. I was married to a covert narcissist for 10 years. I was full of toxic hope. This man was covert and overt. No one would or could believe that he could be this way. He never apologized for anything, he did everything that you're describing in this video and then some. He worked hard to look good! If he gave me jewelry it was always in front of someone else. His words never lined up with his actions……he was the meanest person I've ever met. I'm grateful I got out of that marriage. I was judged hard for it. I now see that the pastors of the church I went too were covert as well. I did a LOT of self-work and healing for years. I'm in an amazingly good place in my life now and married to a most wonderful man!

  • Reply Jcrazy Ccrazy September 18, 2019 at 2:11 am

    I have an EPIC tale of a 3 year relationship i just got out of with a Covert Narc who was a therapist for a living. She was so bad her family (both sons, daughter, sister, sisters husband) told me to run a year before i finally did. She was just so damn nice and loving at times that in the moments of total batshit craziness i was only thinking of “how do i get her back to that state of mind i love”. It was a sick twisted game. And when I finally stood up to her and told her “i will not allow you to treat me this way anymore”….well shit went to 11.

    “Pretty unfriendly actually, but its the way your unfriendly. How your so polite about it…..Like your doing me a favor”
    – Fargo

  • Reply spiralsun1 September 18, 2019 at 11:08 am

    Wow, so good. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I wanted to believe in the love… what a purely evil deception aimed at the best of us. To destroy with human love and caring needs. Sounds worse than murder since it is so sadistic and ongoing. There are definitely good and bad things about humans being so intelligent 😳

    It’s definitely like cult programming. With my mother I am in awe of how quickly and completely she can deceive, and draw others to her to deceive.

    It’s definitely soul violence. Trust and compassion are made into liabilities. It’s like they choose a negative world view and spend their lives ironically being the person bringing that world view into being. They make a world where people with selflessness and compassion are less able to survive.

    It’s definitely 2 paths with little overlap. Once you choose a path, you either work for destruction overall or you work for something higher. And the destructive path involves deep deception and no motive for truth as a principle.

    Sort of fits the old biblical ideas of good and evil before we learned psychology and evolution. Now we know what these paths are based on truth vs lower motives and selfishness. Using the promise of love to manipulate you yikes. What could be more diabolical? Wow.

  • Reply Gloria Stroedecke September 19, 2019 at 2:51 am

    Sometimes covert narcissists apologize for things they did not do but someone else did just to appear caring about your welfare and also to seem that they have apologized to you. They haven't. They apologized for something they had no right to apologize for.

  • Reply Shingwedzi Langa September 19, 2019 at 11:20 am

    Is there a questionnaire to see your level (if any) (lol) of narcissism?

  • Reply Dianna Lamb September 19, 2019 at 7:04 pm

    Mine had characteristics of both, he pulled out all the stops.

  • Reply Mori .Kurogawa September 20, 2019 at 7:08 am

    I imagine covert narcissists being really good at convincing you that their partner is a covert narcissist. Gotta be very careful here. Hard to say who truly is the schizophrenic psycho 😉

  • Reply Elroy Foster September 20, 2019 at 9:17 am

    Who doesn't lie, manipulate or control? I call bullshit on that

  • Reply LULZjunkie2018 September 20, 2019 at 4:17 pm

    omg omg!! uve described my mom to a t in this :O

  • Reply Joseph Matto September 20, 2019 at 5:38 pm

    Every time I see these videos all I here is him..what about a guy who had a covert girlfriend who by the way was absolutely self absorbed, and the most terrifying of relationship I ever had!

  • Reply Cree J. September 21, 2019 at 2:41 pm

    Vampires do exist! When you encounter one they do take apart of your soul forever and leave a bit of there poison in you

  • Reply Michele Bonna September 22, 2019 at 1:08 pm

    I have literally begged my husband to punch me in the face. It hurts less.

  • Reply J Palm September 22, 2019 at 2:38 pm

    The bpd/bpd covert narcissist/quiet borderline is pure stealth. They will people please and really try to come across as genuine. You'll feel a very small feeling inside that tells you that something just isn't right. In their core is complete selfishness.its all about them. They will be passive aggressive . They will give you gifts but they are looking for the return from it. They will be constantly trying to "buy" you and will get mad when you don't reciprocate, in their eyes.

  • Reply Cistina Leonard September 22, 2019 at 5:40 pm

    Thanks very much! I thinks I am living whit a man like this, for many years I feel that he just used me, manipulate me and abuse me in many ways and he use money as a weapon, he is a great guy with strangers! When he come home we , me and the children feel as if we are walking in broken glass , when our children were very young, he always said he couldn't wait for a they turned 18 to leave the house, he always blaming his family, us, for his misery, he likes to be with his brother and sisters better then us, he and his brother and sisters suffer depression, alcoholism and some drugs! He work hard, but the more hi earn the less he has, he always talk about money, he is complaining all the time.

  • Reply Cistina Leonard September 22, 2019 at 5:48 pm

    You mention the name of a documentary, can you tell me the name again please? Thanks

  • Reply Huioiesin Theo September 23, 2019 at 4:25 am

    I remember being disappointed with my birthdays. I cannot remember a single gift from my mind that Cherish. And my mom even set up an arrangement that prevented my grandparents to give me good presents like they did before. This video
    Is soooo cool. I have read and listened so much about narcissism but this one added new insight. I have seen exactly this! Exactly! My evil mom drained me since I was a kid and no evidence to point to. I always wished my parents were junkies or alcoholics because that gets some sympathy.
    (The yelling part yes! 20 years growing up and not once did she lose face never!)/

    “Just knowing what will affect you…”

    That is it. I was so weakens by it all. But I have become brilliant at reading people.

    “I am so lucky…” a dollar for every time I heard that about my parents.
    (But mom never ever apologised for a single thing as long as I have known her.

    Public praise and then…. pain yea. Everybody knows about it if I have done something cool. But she would
    Not tell me.

    And the slander. The constant hate of other people.

    I must read the book.
    Thanks for your video.

    Dormant volcanoes… my God!!! My life.

  • Reply Sunshine Godschild September 23, 2019 at 4:40 am

    Very interesting thank you hit the nail on the head of my covert narc .. just learning and am somewhat overwhelmed by this but praying for strength to get back to me❤️

  • Reply Stephen Grass September 23, 2019 at 7:02 pm

    There must be degrees of this trait. Some people described really are horrid. Other people aren’t horrid, but are just difficult.

    Having lived with flat out insanity, I’ve also seen folks whose “crazy” is only occasional, nuanced, and less clearly across the line.

    Some of the cases, maybe most of these cases, are clearly unacceptable. Then there are the other extreme. The “nice but” types.

  • Reply Jonathan Marshall September 24, 2019 at 7:51 pm

    This is why no one likes anyone from Missouri. You say "covert", hmm… That's a good label for them. In my state people are raised to be this way. They got generations of experience being passed down that pretty much makes them experts at an early age which in turn gives them years of perfecting their skills clear to adulthood. Around here they compete with each other on how many people they can get fired and lives they can ruin. They will actually wait till someone buys a house or new vehicle or take a mortgage out on their house then pounce

  • Reply Alexandra Camus September 25, 2019 at 1:36 pm

    Great video! thanks to you two!

  • Reply Cistina Leonard September 25, 2019 at 2:55 pm

    A question, it is good idea to share this video with a narcissist husband?

  • Reply Chase Freedom September 25, 2019 at 4:42 pm

    Imagine after 18 years half of which being a truck driver. Finding out your wife is a covert Narcissist! Imagine the opportunities that person has. Currently going through a tough time. Ignorance really is bliss.

  • Reply Chase Freedom September 25, 2019 at 4:54 pm

    She……always the women as the victims.

  • Reply Richard Morgan September 25, 2019 at 10:11 pm

    I recently broke up with one of these, she was so subtle,pretending to be so kind and sweet and all.I am so relieved that I stood my ground with her and broke free from her.

  • Reply Race Grubb September 26, 2019 at 3:09 am

    I got a questions like the gardening thing. How do you tell for sure if they are giving you silent treatment or if they just need some alone time doing something they enjoy. How do you tell the difference. I need an example i guess lol. My girlfriend has borderline personality disorder and some of her actions seem like covert tactics but im not really sure if its that or me being insecure. If someone could offer some insight

  • Reply boston22185 September 27, 2019 at 3:50 am

    Omg I have an example from my covert narcisist mother. I am on a journey and have come to realize that my mother and sister are narcisists. My mother use to be addicted to crack and has since "found" church. So when I brought up how she set me up with an abusive man and told me she did it "to get my out of my shell." She told me that it was the past and only GOD can judge her. Another incident I was in a group family chat after the death of my brother (golden child) and I had no contact for 8 years. While home my mother asked me if I was ok because I was kinda quiet. I was quiet because, now I know, I didn't trust my vulnerable feelings with anybody because of my family dynamics.I made the mistake of saying I was ok I just felt guilty that I wasn't around for the past 8 years to watch him grow up into a young man. Speed up a few weeks after his funeral I was on a group chat with my extended cousin, aunts, uncle's, etc and I noticed my mother would get.on EVERY single time I would get on. Made me uncomfortable. So one night I have a FaceTime request from my 2 sisters and guess who? Right! MOM! The youngest of us girls she was crying and it made my other sis cry as well. I wanted to and felt so bad for her but myom was there and I remember having to tell myself to not cry. So my other sis and I are comforting my baby sister telling her to let it out and it's ok. And I see my mom just staring at me and she finally says " Netra had her break down at the funeral, Taneka you are letting it out now because you needed to be strong for the family. Debra you don't care as much because you haven't been around for 8 years."😯 Oh I wanted to cuss her out and also in a weird way cry and show what I've been hiding. But something deep in me told me to keep stone faced. I could see both my sister's kinda pause a little bit. They were taken aback as I was. So I put the attention back on my sister and told her I was sorry that she was feeling this way and she can talk to me anytime. I got off the video call as soon as I could. I couldn't believe she even used my EXACT words…but my sister's didn't know that. So a few days go by and again Everytime on the extended family group chat I got on she would get on. So I told everybody I loved them and they knew how to get a hold of me but I had to exit the group chat because the notifications kept going off. I used the universal knowledge that I am not that good with tech and did know how to shut it off. Immediately my mother answered with a GIF of an old church woman dancing and the words HALLELUJAH across the bottom. Oh it stung so bad. And it made me question if I was the devil. Because when I was out for my brother's funeral she had made a comment on a bead in my hair. And I talked amlittle about my spiritual journey and she mentioned how it was voodoo like. I told her that all religions are based in the same principles and it doesn't matter what religion you are what matters is what's in the heart of the practioner. I should've known that she would hit onnit later because she just said " You're right about that…my philosophical daughter" it felt wrong but I didn't know why until I watched this video and put her "digs" in perspective and why I felt weird when she just agreed with me. Again I brought it up one time as she lured me in playing on my trying to take the higher road card and be mature It's a serious situation and I have to talk to her or else I would be a horrible immature person who doesn't care. I knew it was a setup but I took the bait. And I don't even know how it happened but next thing I know I'm livid and I'm telling her she's a bad mother and how could she do this to her own children etc. You know what she said? She said that was in the past and "God erases all sins when you pray. Only HE can judge me." Man she's some.piece of work I tell ya. Haven't talked to her since. Now I know they will use ANYTHING to lure you back in. I now know it was her gas lighting that led to our final conversation.

  • Reply Marisa Rae September 27, 2019 at 4:13 am

    I can’t believe how much I relate to these comments. Your video got me from sobbing in bed to feeling empowered. Thank you. I’m going to need it for this long journey…

  • Reply Eduardo Sella September 27, 2019 at 11:09 am

    Hoovering AKA gang-stalking proof right here = https://photos.google.com/album/AF1QipOFISWszkbDQ_hhPez-gvt-oV0yN6ZDe4kcz_0f/photo/AF1QipMXgTFUB4FC26CprFvECnmiDQrcRfdi_6yzjHZy

  • Reply Susan September 27, 2019 at 2:50 pm

    This is so healing for me! Thank you both so very much!! I learned to recognize the overt but the coverts were slipping through and did so much damage!! They are for sure the most damaging because they hide their feelings intentions and feelings. They enjoy toying with your emotions and want to control you but without your knowing they are doing this. They love to punish you and they do it in ways like silent treatment. And yes, they turn overt in discard phase. They always end things nasty. They want to destroy you. Understanding now that this dark energy desiring to take me out is so scary. The people closest to me including parents and siblings wanting such harm on me is so mind blowing and sad. Your pain is their pleasure. I must so broken to have fallen for this type. But never ever again!! I see the pattern now and healing my broken parts. I'm going through healing and awakening and finally seeing the light. Thank you for spreading knowledge that is freeing so many from such incredible pain and suffering.

  • Reply Greg Howarth September 29, 2019 at 1:53 am

    Purest love big hugs back xxxxxx

  • Reply Ivan Pyaar September 30, 2019 at 12:27 am

    Excelente video!

  • Reply sarahcarolinebrewer October 3, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    So awesome

  • Reply Hannah Fromaus October 3, 2019 at 10:50 pm

    I can’t thank you enough for this video!!! It’s an answer I’ve needed to know and understand. I’ve isolated myself for years now, from fear that it is me, that is the toxic person. As that was the conclusion I made.
    At first I was watching with my guard up. A guard/wall, I didn’t realise was there until now. I can’t feel safe with anyone!!! and what they tell me. At around 20 mins in to this video, my heart melted into a squishy mess! I know, this is right. I know this lady speaks truth and is not here to hurt, but to help. You spoke of my confusion, my pain. The “cult” I was raised in and my church experiences, during and ever since, became clear and orderly, instead of the chaotic mess of self doubt and frustration. I’m so grateful today! You’ve woken me up! You’ve began a healing in the deepest parts of me, where I hadn’t seen and didn’t know,… wasn’t my problem. I thought I was the problem. I became a hermit to protect any further harm to others and myself. As it seemed, I was toxic to others and myself. I think when it’s someone in church leadership that sees you as so faulty in everything you do, you believe it and follow them, cause they represent God. I can’t believe/fathom, how one could stand in place of God over a life and destroy it intentionally. This is a haunting question, I don’t know is answerable, but, I’m gonna ask anyway. Maybe it is answerable…. How can these people live with themselves? I realise they have no remorse, but I still don’t get it. How can they,… be? Like how can they sleep, relax, be still, be in the present moment, etc,… be a conscious person?? . Like peace and contentment, are both a feeling, do they feel that? If so, then how could they, while doing what they do? Is it that they are blinded to themselves and there behaviour? What is it, that gives them the ability to do what seems so “evil”, and feel good about it?

  • Reply Peach Glow Reyah October 4, 2019 at 10:46 am

    i understand them as sociopaths

  • Reply Jennifer Derrick October 4, 2019 at 1:16 pm

    Oh he would always discount my talents and abilities. I sat next to him everyday about for 6 months helping him edit his film and one day he turned to me and said "you know I can't give you any credit for any of this"… was threatened by my photography and said "it requires no talent", future faked "ill launch you on the international scene, just be patient", he agreed to write a recommendation for my work, the multiple times I followed up, he ignored. When I would say "can I tell you how I feel" he would replace to word feel with "idea", my feelings were nothing but ideas. One other thing, Buddhism is a narcs playground. I was relentlessly punished.

  • Reply Create Avert October 5, 2019 at 11:14 pm

    I dealt with the same NARC fifteen years apart because years ago when I first met him no one even knew what a narcissist was. Fast forward to over 25 yrs of knowing this person it all made sense. He was the guy next door, kind, nonchalant, calm, unattached & non–argumentative. Over time I realized that everything was "always" my fault. Everything. Yes master manipulator & saboteur. I've said that their most insidious & diabolical creatures on the face of the planet.

  • Reply Nay Blue October 6, 2019 at 7:27 am

    My X husband of 40 years use to tell me I was not his type, made me feel terrible every time he said it. No smile envolved.

  • Reply Eran Welsh October 6, 2019 at 5:52 pm

    Thanks for this video! This is my life to a T. Been married to him for 14 years and just recently found about this dx. It was so eye opening! I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now 😕☹️

  • Reply Mic Zebro October 6, 2019 at 9:39 pm

    I am seeing traits from the covert and overt narcissist in my wife . How often is it that both personality types are in one individual ? At the same time she is a contrary to some of these traits . Very confused by the big picture of our relationship , that seems to be at an end now .

  • Reply Hamlet Fortinbras October 7, 2019 at 5:57 pm

    Thank you— I have to keep watching Narcissistic Abuse Recovery type videos virtually every day just to keep myself not balance and focused on my end goal of freedom. Helping me stay aware of the love bombing, etc. )lulling me into false hope). I’ll be on watch for cult leaders as I eventually return to church in the new year.

  • Reply Hamlet Fortinbras October 7, 2019 at 6:03 pm

    Oh wow! Minute 41– thank God she threatened divorce when I asked for marriage counseling.

  • Reply Shannon Nelson October 7, 2019 at 6:39 pm

    Since these people are masters at keeping you off balance and in doubt of yourself, this information is like a kind understanding pat on the shoulder, that tells you "I see what you're going through and you're not insane". Information is golden.

  • Reply msgiselle954 October 8, 2019 at 1:31 pm

    When you 1st meet them…The Covert Narcissist doesn't cry Wolf…they cry Sheep!!!

  • Reply lorraine woodwark October 8, 2019 at 5:19 pm

    Yes, my narc praised me to everyone, including other women he was seeing telling about all the brilliant work I did for him. It makes wonder if they assumed he paid me or if I did this for free, why? Now I'm an awful terrible person once I found out about other women. He doesn't understand my behavior as I've changed. He also pretended to apologize then retracted it by saying "people have seen you act crazy, they're talking about you and side with me." Well, I did act really upset but he did this and I need to pull away from this evil man by no longer reacting. I must give myself closure as he will not/cannot since he wants me to "wait" for him to work out his feelings.

  • Reply SunFlowur October 8, 2019 at 6:50 pm

    My narc ex forgot my birthday every year for TEN years. I recently left him and the feeling of Karma knowing his birthday is coming up and I can just ignore it … Is priceless

  • Reply SunFlowur October 8, 2019 at 6:53 pm

    MOTHERS DAY, narcs alllwwaayyss ruin mother's day

  • Reply marikeengel October 8, 2019 at 10:04 pm

    You can interview me…
    I am not the narcissist but I just discovered your title of it and it just fits….

  • Reply marikeengel October 8, 2019 at 10:12 pm

    My husband praises my art, then condescends about it…its even worse,,,i would rather he tells me someone else is better

  • Reply Jelly Milk October 9, 2019 at 4:53 am

    I'm STILL trying to figure out if my ex husband did this. You mentioning the criticism about the art made me remember a thing that happened. He makes soup and he makes all kinds and it's usually good. I make really good soup too, but I don't make a big deal out of it. I made some soup that our daughter LOVED, and he got a bowl and later said, "I really don't like your soup. I hate this flavor." If he didn't like it, he should have just tossed the rest and not said anything. Well I made it for my mom and she loved it and wanted the recipe, daughter called from college for the recipe, and when she came home to visit she asked me to make it for her. It's REALLY good! But he had to make a point of saying he hated it. Soup! Crazy!

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