-Well, let’s get to some news. It just came out
that Donald Trump Jr.’s new book is now number 1 on the “New York
Times” bestseller list. When he heard that,
President Trump was like, “You lost me at ‘New York Times’
and lost me again at Don Jr.” [ Laughter ]
I’m just kidding. Trump was actually
pretty excited for Don Jr. He even tweeted,
“Wow, was just told my son’s book ‘Triggered’
is number 1 on the ‘New York Times’
bestseller list. Congratulations, Don.” That’s a pretty special moment
for Don Jr. Until a few minutes later
when Trump tweeted, “Just got hacked.
Ignore last tweet.” -Wow.
[ Laughter ] Come on. Why? Why? -Well, tomorrow the impeachment
hearings continue, and we’re going to hear
from Marie Yovanovitch, the ambassador to Ukraine
that Trump fired. I’m a little worried, because if every person Trump’s
ever fired is going to testify, the impeachment’s going
to last forever. It’s like — “Lil Jon, please raise
your right hand.” “What?!” Yeah. “Do you swear
to tell the truth?” “Okay!” [ Laughter ] Tomorrow, all the regular
daytime TV shows will be preempted again
for the impeachment hearings. But to keep viewers happy, they are getting
“The Price Is Right” announcer to tell the witnesses
to, “Come on down! You’re the next witness
in the Trump impeachment.” But after tomorrow’s testimony,
another eight witnesses are going to testify next week. Just a word of advice
for the Democrats. If you preempt
another five episodes of “The Kelly Clarkson Show,”
no one is going to support you. Okay? Come on. Don’t do that. Some entertainment news. I saw that Netflix
and Nickelodeon are teaming up to make movies
and TV shows for kids. Yeah, right now,
Netflix is competing with Disney to make sure your kids
never go outside again. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Everyone’s still talking
about Disney+. It launched this week. It features almost 500
different movies. -Wow.
-Yeah, I was looking through it this afternoon. And, sure,
it has all the classics, but there are
some pretty obscure movies that I didn’t even know existed. For instance — I’m not too sure
about this one — “Lady and the Tramp Stamp.” -Wow.
[ Laughter ] I’ve never heard of that. -You never — No, it’s real. I didn’t. Also, I had no idea that they made “Herbie:
Fully Loaded on Bath Salts.” [ Laughter ]
-What? Is Buddy Hackett in it?
I mean, that’s crazy. -This next one is unfortunate. “Sleeping Beauty Takes Ambien
and Tweets Something Racist.” -Oh, my gosh. [ Laughter ] They made that as a movie? -I mean, you have
a lot of options on Disney+. [ Laughter ] The next movie
will ruin anyone’s dinner. “Pluto Can’t Stop Scooting.”
-Okay. [ Laughter ] Why would they make that
as a movie? -I don’t know. I don’t even know
why I watched it twice. -You watched it twice?
-Yeah, I loved it. There’s also this
very unnecessary sequel — “The Sound of Music
from the Nazis’ Perspective.” [ Audience laughs, groans ] Why would they do that?
-Why? Why would you need that?
-I don’t know. -How was it? -I didn’t see that one.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
This movie’s depressing. “Honey, We’re the Right Size,
But I Think We’ve Grown Apart.” -Wow. [ Laughter ] Wow, that’s a downer.
-There’s no twists or nothing. -Disney+?
-Yeah. And finally, check this one out. “Frying Dory.” I mean —
-Oh, my — [ Audience laughs, groans ] The omega — The omega-3s alone. -Yeah, yeah. It’s good — It’s heart health.
It’s heart health. -Some tech news, though.
Apple just announced that they’re launching
their most powerful laptop ever, the new MacBook Pro,
at a cost of $6,000. -Ooh. -Yeah, $6,000 for something hot
to sit on your lap. Or as most guys call that,
a bachelor party. Hey. And this is cool. The world’s largest Starbucks
opens tomorrow in Chicago. Check this out. Look at that.
[ Audience murmurs ] The place is huge.
It’s 35,000 square feet. Five stories high. Best of all, it has two outlets. -Oh. [ Laughter ] “You gonna be done
with that outlet?” -That’s right. It’s a Starbucks
that’s five stories high. I think I know
how this happened. When the builders said,
“What size do you want?” the Starbucks people
were all like, “Tall.” [ Laughter ] Seriously, the Starbucks
is massive. I’ll give you an idea. When
you ask for the bathroom key, it’s attached to a car door. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] -I saw that food brands
Post and Hostess — [ Laughter ]
That’s how — That’s how big it is.
-That’s how big it is. That’s a pretty big thing. Cars are pretty big.
-Yeah. I always love
that they embarrass you with those keys to the bathroom. Like, “Can I have the key to the
bathroom?” They’re like, “Sure,” and they give you
like a hub cap or something. -Or a cinder block.
-A giant espresso machine. “I’ll take it.
Don’t embarrass me.” I saw that food brands
Post and Hostess are teaming up to make a Twinkies cereal. That story again —
Post and Hostess are teaming up to give stoners diabetes. [ Laughter ] And, you guys, finally,
I’m very excited about this. Alex Rodriguez
is my guest tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] He’s here promoting his show
called “Back in the Game,” which is about helping athletes
manage their finances. A-Rod has some really good
financial advice. He tells people it helps
to save, it helps to invest, and it helps to marry an actress
worth half a billion dollars. We have a great show.