Articles, Blog

Story Time with David Spade: What Flirting Used to Be Like & More – Lights Out with David Spade

November 28, 2019


– Flirting has come a long way, I used to have to call people. Because I’m older, I used
to have to call people. When I was growing up,
and that was even worse, there was a push button phone. (audience laughs) And if you had to
ask out a girl, you had to call
her on the phone. It was horrifying. And you had to dial, meep, ma, moop.
(audience laughs) And then you’d stall, meeep, maaaaaa, mooooop. (exhaling)
(audience laughs) And then you have
to wait and talk, and I go “hello, hey you don’t wanna go to
the prom with me, right? You probably don’t. Okay, bye.” (audience laughs) Horrifying! (audience laughs) You have it so easy now. (mumbles) have to
go to their locker and ask them out face to face. Sickening! (audience laughs) You know I’m like, “I know that prom’s this week.” And they’re like this. (audience laughs) You’ll never know when you
text, that face and them going, “Wow, you’re not gonna.”
(audience laughs) Sometimes when you
go to a restaurant. I went to a six star
restaurant, one better. (audience laughs) And you know the
hostess’ are very nice, but they like to strike
up a little jibber jabber, before you sit down. But it always goes
nowhere for like 10 feet. (audience laughs) you know. So she’s like, “Mr. Spade,
we’re so excited to have you. How was you’re week?” And I go, “Oh I had a little
bit of a health scare, here we are.” (audience laughs) I go “I’m sure it’s nothing,
don’t worry about me, I’ll get a CAT scan. I’ll CC the whole
hostess stand.” (audience laughs) But one time a couple of
years ago, I was on a date. I was tryna puff up. And there is this
snooty Maitre d’. And I’m waiting and
he finally goes, “Okay, right this way ladies.” And I go.
(audience laughing) Is that us? And I go (groans). So I start walkin’, sort of cooled me down a little
bit, in front of the girl. So I’m walking and I’m
steaming, toot, and I’m like, I’m getting so mad and
I go when he see’s me, he’s gonna freak out. And then I look and the
guys like “Joe Dirt!” I’m like “yes, I
look like a guy.” (audience laughs) So I start going and I go, “this guys gonna fire himself, this is gonna be great.” And then there is some stairs, and he looks right
at me and goes, “watch your step gals.” (audience laughs) Again! (audience laughs) I am a sir! I have a mustache, sort of. (audience laughs) Anyway, eat at home. So I went to Magic
Mountain this weekend. Which is a amusement park. They call it Six
Flags, Magic Mountain. You don’t need the
Six Flags part. (audience laughs) You know, you don’t
need two names, Magic Mountain is it. (audience laughs) You know what I mean. (audience laughs) let me tell you something, in terms of marketing, Magic Mountain. It’s hookie, it’s
catchy, all right. I know showbiz, Magic Mountain. Six Flags, who cares about that? How many flags are at
your amusement park? (audience laughs) No one says that. “Six!” Oh! (audience laughs) Six outta 10? “No, just six.” It’s nowhere right. So Magic Mountain, the point is, it’s definitely more mountain
than magic, all right. (audience laughs) Honestly, spoiler alert. I got some bad news. It’s not even 50/50. It’s barely magic, 99% mountain. (audience laughs) It’s like cheese on pasta, here’s the magic part. (audience laughs) Here’s the mountain part. (breathes heavily) Stop, no? (breathes heavily) (audience laughs) More mountain! All mountain, if you don’t believe
me ask my step counter. Cus it was like, wheee,
it was literally smoking. (mumbles) Seizing up, all
the gears in there. (audience laughs) My pint sized, little spindly, noodle legs have never
dealt with so much trauma. (audience laughs) I took my 11 year old kid, because I’m trying
to be her hero. (audience laughs) But I also have a bad neck so. She wants to go
on all the rides. (audience laughs) I’m like, we’re here. Can we just look around at
the scenery and enjoy life? (audience laughs) I can’t even get to
focus on the rides, because I’m looking at the Mount
Everest they’re sitting on. It looks like an inspirational
poster of a mountain, and me trying to think about it, with the word
determination under it. (audience laughs) So I get on one ride, and I only did one. It (beep) me up, off course. (audience laughs) It’s not a fun little
roller coaster, like whoo, it’s scary. It’s literally like most of
them are based on a car crash. (audience laughs) You know what I mean? This ones called telephone pole, it’s 100 miles an
hour and them wham! (audience laughs) Stop on a dime and
everyone’s like (groans). People are walking off
crying and calling lawyers. (audience laughs) I’m basically
slumped in the ride, and they have to bring the
jaws of life to get me out. (audience laughs) The worst part is, I bought
one of those scammer passes for VIP’s, you know. (audience laughs) One where you cut in
front of the line. And at first I’m
whizzing by people, they’re like “hey”, they’re all excited. “Joe Dirt, “Bench Warmers””. And then you do it twice
and they’re still in line, they’re like “(beep) you dude!”. (audience laughs) “I’m calling the cops.”
(audience laughs) So am I a hero? Who knows, I don’t know.
All right, Bye!

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40 Comments

  • Reply julius p November 26, 2019 at 6:00 pm

    1st

  • Reply Jeff B November 26, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    He dyes his beard for the show but not for the jokes that didn’t make it

  • Reply jason wilson November 26, 2019 at 6:03 pm

    God, I love this show so much. Keep it up David!

  • Reply R Trev November 26, 2019 at 6:16 pm

    Now THIS segment is a keeper! All this show really needs is David and a camera.

  • Reply Molly Hannah November 26, 2019 at 6:19 pm

    My favorite part of the show is him telling his stories! Love the illustrative extras!

  • Reply rob black November 26, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    Wow. It was almost like watching a Disney movie.

  • Reply Aidan Izaguirre November 26, 2019 at 6:32 pm

    I can get with this show

  • Reply Vivian Vigneaux November 26, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    Hey, Davy!! Look!! Fat man in a little coat.

  • Reply Shmeko Altham November 26, 2019 at 6:49 pm

    I love these things!

  • Reply steve conn November 26, 2019 at 6:50 pm

    The animation is unnecessary. David brings the stories to life all on his own (yeah, store people never really want to hear how you're doing despite asking).

  • Reply Recusant BilE November 26, 2019 at 6:57 pm

    DAVIDFUCKINSPADERULEZ!!!

  • Reply SpiderSparta56 November 26, 2019 at 7:01 pm

    This show is fucking awesome

  • Reply av3maria November 26, 2019 at 7:03 pm

    Beep boo bope bop beeeep booop

  • Reply peace and love November 26, 2019 at 7:30 pm

    You forgot rotary disc dialing, no ID caller and no message recorder, silent callers and stocking was bigger then.

  • Reply David Thomas November 26, 2019 at 7:50 pm

    Effortless, brilliant and made I larf.

  • Reply Picolas Cage November 26, 2019 at 8:03 pm

    lets be honest growing up before he got famous he only fake number

  • Reply LyndaGFavorites November 26, 2019 at 8:17 pm

    “Car crash…now a theme park” 😂👏I loved this whole segment of quick laughs. Thank you for always making me laugh David Spade 😂❤️

  • Reply GoodThings November 26, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    Jonathan Dirt

  • Reply CasePB November 26, 2019 at 9:07 pm

    Oh huh, I guess David Spade is a guy.

  • Reply Miblive November 26, 2019 at 9:32 pm

    I just want a show with him telling stories. That´s it. The one with the maitre d "this guy is gonna fire himself when he sees me" is just too good.

  • Reply Clayton Brown November 26, 2019 at 9:40 pm

    No political stuff is a relief! We already know we have a buffoon for a president, the jokes ran out before the moron was elected. Keep with the fun stuff Spade! 👍🏻

  • Reply Jackie Yoshi November 26, 2019 at 10:47 pm

    Aww I'd be like omg if you called me!

  • Reply BreakfastGypsy November 26, 2019 at 10:54 pm

    this is great, could only be better with norm macdonald on set.

  • Reply Gavin Helgeson November 27, 2019 at 12:06 am

    Keep this segment!

  • Reply ’e-ḇen November 27, 2019 at 12:35 am

    Story time best time

  • Reply ernieD November 27, 2019 at 12:47 am

    The Spadester, doing his usual schtick from his act. But damn, it's still funny to me. Bit of a refresh but all good.

  • Reply Ryan Hurt November 27, 2019 at 12:54 am

    0:45 perfect detail. Every guy knows that face.

  • Reply steve donahue November 27, 2019 at 12:59 am

    pete Davidson wishes he could make an audience laugh

  • Reply Remorseless One November 27, 2019 at 1:01 am

    Spade is so fucking funny!!!! I love his sense of humor

  • Reply hypocritnotme November 27, 2019 at 3:17 am

    😁😁😁😁😁😁😍

  • Reply Mike H November 27, 2019 at 5:06 am

    So goddamn funny.

  • Reply Kimberley Searching November 27, 2019 at 5:32 am

    Damn! I remember the days when I ran around (up & down), Magic Mountain!! Back when The Revolution had no shoulder straps & was thee raddest ride because of its one loop! 😂
    I just think about walking around there now & I feel a heart attack coming on!! 🥵

    Damn. I’m fricken ancient. ☹️

    Thanks David. 😑

  • Reply sam zandi November 27, 2019 at 6:29 am

    Jim Jefferies anime was better.

  • Reply Bruce Karaus November 27, 2019 at 7:37 am

    11 year old kid? You meant the 9 year old you had with that Playboy model?

  • Reply Michael P. Shipley November 27, 2019 at 9:03 am

    Dave could combine all his IRL stories and make a hilarious movie out of it.

  • Reply Demonic Sweaters November 27, 2019 at 1:18 pm

    I love this show and David spade is being hilarious. But whatever producer at Comedy Central thinks these stupid cartoons distracting you from the actual jokes is a good idea, should be fired. Please just show us the bit without the junk on the screen. It's completely distracting and basically ruins David's bit.

  • Reply digital subliminal messages November 27, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    S r b
    Not a lot of drug use you stay out of trouble/ ….yeah I can see you hoping on that guys back / insist that you wear spurs and chaps…./ yeah but it's still up to your liberty /// you got it //

  • Reply The Angry Dudeist November 27, 2019 at 10:12 pm

    ❤❤❤❤💯💯💯💯

  • Reply Brian OSullivan November 28, 2019 at 5:14 am

    At least David came up with a better excuse not to go on the rides. When I was younger, whenever my family and I went to an amusement park, I wanted to go on the roller coasters. But my parents didn’t want to go on any of them because of my mother’s fear of heights and my father’s issue with his ears. I only went on one when I was kid because of that nonsense only because it was part of our field trip. 🙄

  • Reply Milton Michael Mills November 28, 2019 at 7:54 am

    This one goes to eleven…one better innit?

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