Articles, Blog

People making plans in front of you (that don’t include you)

December 3, 2019


Have you ever had this happen? Where one night: Oh my god, everyone is hanging out without me.
Why wasn’t I invited?! And then the next: Oh my god, why did I agree to hang out with everybody? Ugh. Why did they invite me? The struggle is real and completely contradictory. But lately I have been painfully self-aware that I am being excluded from things. Like, the other day I opened my FOMO app and noticed that some friends went bowling and didn’t invite me, [gasp] and I immediately went into a spiral of inferiority and shame and felt like I was 8 years old again. [laughter] But the thing is, I don’t even like bowling. If they had invited me, I probably wouldn’t even have wanted to go! But did that stop me from crying and convincing myself that I’m a worthless heap of trash? No. And then last week, I was talking to a friend,
when she asked, – Hey, are you going to Melissa’s party? – Oh I didn’t know she was having a party. – Yeah, you didn’t get the invite?
– No. – Check your spam, I’m sure it went into your spam. – Nothing. – Facebook? – Nada. – Insta DM?
– Zilch. – Text?
– Nope. – Smoke signal?
– Nothing. – Huh. Well, I’m sure you could come. She probably just forgot to invite you. It happens. – Yeah. There are a few things you can do when you feel left out. I mean, if you feel like a friend is intentionally excluding you, yes, that probably warrants a conversation to find out what’s wrong. – Why didn’t you put out the smoke signal for me? – Because it’s an archaic way to communicate. I can’t build an entire fire every time you wanna hang out. I mean, invest in string and a can. But sometimes, friends just hang out without you. And in my case, I have to accept that when I feel left out, this has way more to do with my own insecurity than my friends actually trying to hurt my feelings. And I have been asking myself, “Why, when I see my friends hanging out without me, is my first thought: They hate me. They’ve hated me this entire time. So a few days ago, when friends made plans to go to a movie in front of me, without an extended invite, I took a deep breath, and I thought to myself, I’m happy for them. You know what? They’re gonna have a good time. And if I’m really being honest with myself, I don’t even wanna go to a movie! I want to go home and spend some time with a book. Wait, did I say that out loud? I’m Anna Akana, and you’re coming to Becca’s party, right? I wanna say thank you to Sun Basket for sponsoring today’s episode. Sun Basket is a meal delivery service committed to healthy food, with easy to follow instructions that can be prepped in 30 minutes. Your meals are delivered to your door weekly on a day of your choosing which is perfect because I hate leaving my house! Sun Basket only includes organic non-GMO ingredients for their recipes, and they cater to numerous specialty diets including paleo, gluten-free, diabetes friendly, vegetarian, vegan, and pescatarian. As someone who is a very novice cook who loves time hacks and has a Los Angeles level intense diet, it’s perfect for me. Not to mention, I only get the amount of ingredients I need, so I’m not wasting produce when my schedule gets too busy. You can go to getsunbasket.com/anna to sign up today, and get 60% off automatically applied to your purchase, meaning you’ll pay as low as $28 for your first box. That’s getsunbasket.com/anna.

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100 Comments

  • Reply John Matthias April 20, 2019 at 7:51 am

    I can relate. When I'm up I'm doing my own thing, and when I'm down the world loathes me.
    Honestly thought Smoke Signal was an app at first.

  • Reply jordan chaske April 21, 2019 at 5:15 pm

    You are one of my favorite YouTubers your awesome

  • Reply Amanda Desire April 24, 2019 at 2:14 pm

    I needed this

  • Reply jordan chaske April 28, 2019 at 1:03 am

    Anna how you been and your videos are worth watching and your looking good

  • Reply Mihail Tsankov May 2, 2019 at 4:07 am

    Non-Gmo? You too? I suggest reading about gmo-s.

  • Reply Wagner Wong May 2, 2019 at 7:11 pm

    Are these the new breast you were not talking about?

  • Reply fairunfair May 4, 2019 at 3:28 am

    … and guess what that friend that didn't invite you is actually your boyfriend 🙄

  • Reply Haley May 4, 2019 at 5:11 pm

    Ok my 2 besties got in a huge fight for months and now they are grins agian and one is mad at me and they are having a sleepover without me tonight bc one is mad at me for NO REASON

  • Reply itsprachik May 5, 2019 at 5:26 am

    I constantly struggle with this. I'm constantly afraid that my friends are going to find better friends and abandon me lol even when it's completely unwarranted

  • Reply PandaLuva 24 May 5, 2019 at 4:20 pm

    i’m having a party? and i didn’t even invite myself 😭

  • Reply Erin :3 May 8, 2019 at 10:46 am

    Damnit I love her 🥰😍

  • Reply Mia Scott May 16, 2019 at 10:50 pm

    My friends never invite me and they always talk about it in front of me and lie to me about it

  • Reply Suzanne Smart May 29, 2019 at 5:59 pm

    My friends are going to a trampoline park and they’re talking on this group chat saying stuff like “ooh I can’t wait for tomorrow” “we’re going for 2 hours right” RIGHT INFRONT OF MY EYES

  • Reply Someone June 11, 2019 at 12:02 pm

    Im always left out and uninvited

  • Reply Kallie Hennigar June 13, 2019 at 5:41 am

    I really needed this right now thanks my guy

  • Reply Miranda June 15, 2019 at 1:46 am

    Today my friends went a grad party, which is great! However, I do online school due to medical reasons, and I didn’t attend any of the other celebrations. They could’ve invited me, but they didn’t. I’m very upset.

  • Reply oh Saxi June 22, 2019 at 8:17 pm

    I hate when you don’t get invited but they wanna snap you videos and pics of them together

    Hella disrespectful

  • Reply 20somethingsWorld June 23, 2019 at 9:22 am

    People making plans to hang without infront fo you is so ruuuudeeee

  • Reply Marek Tóth June 23, 2019 at 7:20 pm

    s m o k e s i g n a l s ?

  • Reply awwdamme June 25, 2019 at 4:59 pm

    Or u listen to the song left out by ocean Evol

  • Reply twist June 26, 2019 at 7:54 pm

    “Smoke Signal?”
    “Nope”

  • Reply Skye July 9, 2019 at 8:40 pm

    Was hanging out with a friend, we decided to invite the other friend we share at a later time. That other friend got mad cuz “you didn’t invite me in the first place” 🙃

  • Reply caitlin hogan July 14, 2019 at 10:34 am

    Some of my friends are in italy rn and one of them texted me just to say have fun at school…. I would have gone however I know deep down that its better off to spend a bad day with people who actually care about you than be in a different country with people who honestly dont give an f about you. Needless to say karma will prevail

  • Reply sara gomes July 19, 2019 at 6:47 am

    In my opinion friends should always ask if you want to join them (unless they hate you) it’s rude to forget about you. Since I NEVER forget to invite my friends and even if I already know that they are not going to come I still ask them. I think it’s really rude not to get back appreciation you give to your friends.

  • Reply Storming girl 01! July 21, 2019 at 2:08 am

    0:45 cuz you r most everyone is

  • Reply Nils Manuel Gut July 21, 2019 at 8:45 pm

    What? Becka is having a party and I'm not invited? Well I hate her anyway so that's perfect!! What an … !

  • Reply マイク July 22, 2019 at 6:57 am

    i wanna invite you to my party but here's the point: i live at the other end on earth

  • Reply Yuzuru July 23, 2019 at 3:01 pm

    just happened to me…but its my close cousin…fking asshole cousin… i have no friends 🙁

  • Reply Bakingpan July 27, 2019 at 2:25 am

    Ehhh, this doesn't do it for me. Friends hanging out without you does mean something; either they quietly don't want you there or they forgot to think of you, which still means you're not that important to them. It's totally reasonable to be upset about this. It shouldn't then fall upon you to convince yourself that you're ok with it.

  • Reply Fox_Sox July 30, 2019 at 7:39 am

    I think it’s even worse when you invite someone and they say they are busy and the next day you see they hung out with other people…So your too busy to even try and make plans with me but you have all the time in the world to hang out with these other people? I’m not mad you rejected me or left me out I’m mad you just don’t even think about me in the slightest anymore.

  • Reply caitlin July 31, 2019 at 6:00 am

    I will definitely start calling all my social media apps “FOMO apps” from here on out

  • Reply Sincerely, Lilyanne August 1, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    They would plan it when I was there and told me I would go but then they didn’t invite me. Talk about the sleepover to my face, like I’d care. 🥺

  • Reply Harmony Shakes August 2, 2019 at 4:38 pm

    Legit my friend organizes stuff with my best friend without inviting me and I don't get jealous then when me and my best friend are hanging out just us 2 she gets annoyed saying we didn't invite her so she's allowed to go out with my best friend alone but I'm not apparently

  • Reply Dörte Ohne H August 7, 2019 at 2:46 pm

    I'd really love to see a tour of your books

  • Reply Lava Yuki August 9, 2019 at 1:06 pm

    I get fomo from time to time. I hate nightclubs and value my beauty sleep, but still get fomo when I see instagram stories of nights out, but then secretly moan when they do invite me.

  • Reply jordan chaske August 11, 2019 at 4:37 am

    I never went to A party who would ever invite A Geek like me anyways

  • Reply Remas Elias August 12, 2019 at 7:47 pm

    I'm always the one left out I've always been saying I'm free but then they invite my besties. Today my friend invited my besties to the park and the one who invited them it feels like shes trying to get my besties away from me and I've heard her talk about me in school😔😔😔😭😭😭

  • Reply Bird August 15, 2019 at 4:32 pm

    when the school shooter gets left out he watches the negan scene from the walking dead and pretends his friends are the people getting killed

  • Reply Sara vm August 16, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Im always mad that i don’t get invited to things my friends do, but if they ask me I don’t really want to so yeah…

  • Reply Victoria Ana August 16, 2019 at 10:13 pm

    I just need friends who know that I ain't going but still invite me.

  • Reply peachy haley ! August 17, 2019 at 5:54 am

    It's really hard when my friends are extreme extroverts and know almost everyone, but then I'm a complete introvert.

  • Reply Roberto Insingo August 17, 2019 at 6:39 am

    I totally understand

  • Reply patrick jensen August 17, 2019 at 6:52 am

    Go over to the fridge make yourself a sandwich have a cup of coffee act like you were

  • Reply Empty Space August 17, 2019 at 11:38 pm

    what if you are the one to invite your friends but they leave you on read…

  • Reply Voltage 30 August 18, 2019 at 11:15 pm

    Maleficent TRIED to follow this advice.

    Maleficent: discovers LITERALLY EVERYONE is invited to King Stephan’s baby shower EXCEPT her Hmm, either he’s taking sides in the fairy war or the invite got lost in the mail. I should ask if there was a mixup.
    Maleficent (the day of the baby shower): just… appears “Well, quite a glittering assemblage King Stephan. Royalty, Nobility, the Gentry, and laughs, looking at the ‘good fairies’ how quaint, even the rabble. I really felt quite distressed at not receiving an invitation.”
    Merryweather: “You weren’t wanted.”
    Maleficent: “Not wa- Oh… Oh dear, what an awkward situation. I had hoped it was merely due to some oversight. Well in that event I’d best be on my way. begins to leave
    Queen: “And, you’re not offended Your Excellency?”
    Maleficent: “Why no Your Majesty. And to show I bear no ill will, I too shall bestow a gift on the child.”
    ’good fairies’ look absolutely terrified
    Maleficent: “Listen well, all of you! The princess shall indeed grow in grace and beauty, beloved by all who know her. But, before the sun sets on her 16th birthday she shall prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die!”

    Then she leaves like the Sassmaster she is. The ONLY REASON she cursed Aurora was because she was THE ONLY PERSON IN THE FLIPPIN TRI STATE AREA not invited. ON PURPOSE. P sure even her raven was invited. This curse was a lesson, don’t take sides in a war that isn’t yours and don’t disrespect Maleficent. Aurora would’ve got an awesome gift, had Maleficent been invited and welcomed.

    Btw, if you find out your friends meant to exclude you because they don’t want you anywhere near their firstborn child, don’t curse said child to die at 16. Not saying this because murder is bad(some of you(you know who you are) don’t care about morality anyway), but because you might find an enchanted sword thrust into your chest by the kid’s angry boyfriend. This has been a PSA.

  • Reply Åsa Persson August 20, 2019 at 1:35 am

    This happens to me all The time 🙂 why even bother trying to be friends with people

  • Reply Laiskaduma August 23, 2019 at 7:00 pm

    Answer: Kill em all

  • Reply Chrismatt Gardner August 23, 2019 at 7:28 pm

    I'm confused on what the advise was.

  • Reply Lefebvre clara August 23, 2019 at 9:33 pm

    where was she when i was all alone looking for those type of videos in my bed? 🙂

  • Reply meme.feind August 23, 2019 at 10:03 pm

    One time hanging with my two friends in the past month when they hang every day

  • Reply Ludmor August 24, 2019 at 11:08 am

    When they invited you but then ending up leaving without you tho

  • Reply Aamir Qureshi August 24, 2019 at 12:16 pm

    I feel soo sad when people sitting with me have plans and just go without asking me 😕. Sometimes I go along but they ignore me to hell

  • Reply elle job August 26, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    my friends leave me out constantly even when I’d like to go and do what they are doing
    What do I do ?
    I can’t even let me be myself because I’m scared they will judge me

  • Reply Rachel Eagar August 26, 2019 at 9:49 pm

    but what if you actually do want to go

  • Reply Quantum Drew August 27, 2019 at 8:51 pm

    there are lots of problems in the world… hunger, war, theft, among a huge litany of other things. not getting invited to a party is NOT worthy of concern. NEXT !

  • Reply The Traveler August 28, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    "They hate me, they've hated me this entire time" is exactly how I feel every time i get left out. But that's just my own insecurities. No one is actively trying to hurt me, thanks Anna for this little dose of wisedom 🙂

  • Reply Jersey Animations August 28, 2019 at 11:49 pm

    Literally my friends make plans in front of me and don't invite me…

  • Reply shooketh August 29, 2019 at 11:43 pm

    the best feeling ever is finding your whole friend group having fun at a cafe on instagram stories then when you confront them about it they just say "we were going to invite you but we just thought that your mom wouldn't allow it"

  • Reply LiveLaughElizabeth August 30, 2019 at 5:39 am

    Have you ever invited friends somewhere-they said no- then you saw them on snap another day all hanging out there? Highschool…

  • Reply mcdreamy’s babe August 30, 2019 at 7:26 am

    My 3 best friends hung out with this new girl without inviting me. When I confronted the one who organised it she said it was to buy me a “group birthday present” but my birthday came around and there wasn’t one so 🤷🏻‍♀️

  • Reply BLINK TWICE August 30, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    I was screwed with any friend I had cause at first they would invite me but once they realize my parents never let me go out they stopped knowing I wouldn’t be able to go regardless

  • Reply Maya Lambdin August 31, 2019 at 4:33 am

    My 2 best friends had a sleepover and I wasn’t invited. And they invited the new kid. And I saw it on there story I was sad. Cause I thought my friends hated me. Because they never invite me to a lot. But I realize I should be happy for them even though I wanted to go.

  • Reply Susana Mendonça August 31, 2019 at 8:04 am

    Well what if I actually want to go?

  • Reply Mimie the Microwave August 31, 2019 at 9:04 pm

    I'm here because my best mates birthday is today and everyone's gone, even people she isnt really close with so……um…….yeah. that's gonna be awkward when we get back off break

  • Reply Duck August 31, 2019 at 9:51 pm

    Nah tbh I'm not happy that my friends went to an event without me when I literally told them a few weeks prior that I would like to attend sed event with them

    Anyone else feel like they have friends but no good friends? Like I get invited if someone puts something on a group chat with like 11 other people but other than that everyone does stuff without me

  • Reply Nisha Shetty September 1, 2019 at 2:34 am

    The worst part is they invite you, and the party is cancelled😭

  • Reply xExtremelyTiredxx September 1, 2019 at 4:55 am

    I love my best friends to pieces but I feel broken thinking about the fact that I will never be as close to them as they are to each other

  • Reply Aisling Philippa September 1, 2019 at 5:02 am

    I solved this problem by being friends with people that are okay with me saying, “is this an open invite? I’ve got free time, so if you have space, I’d like to join.”

    It’s yet to fall afoul of anyone 🤷‍♀️

  • Reply Chelsea Lomez September 1, 2019 at 3:41 pm

    My friend didn’t invite me to his birthday (after nearly 3 years of this I decided to ask him why) and he said “oh I thought you were going away that day so I didn’t want to waste your time with an invite” (in his defence I was going to Queensland (a state in Australia) that weekend, but not that night) I actually ended up going to the party 😂

  • Reply Blossom Cherry September 1, 2019 at 5:12 pm

    One time my old friends who I’ve known since childhood but we haven’t seen each other in a long time, went to hang out together without me and posted on Instagram with the caption: Reunited. It felt like a slap to the face.

  • Reply Keerthi L.S. September 2, 2019 at 11:24 am

    Needed this

  • Reply Ilma Habibovic September 2, 2019 at 12:20 pm

    Did not help

  • Reply Hamger bur September 4, 2019 at 5:02 am

    I have a big group of friends, we've all been friends for a few years and we always had parties. I was well liked by everyone. Inever get mad or anything and i dont cause problems. But recently since highschool started people seem like they don't notice me anymore. I dont get invited to parties anymore. No one came to my birthday party a few year ago so i stopped having my own parties. And whenever im in a group with my friends and i say something they act like they don't hear me and ignore me so i just walk away a lean on the wall by myself. I don't know why they started acting like this to me so ive just started to drift away from them and they don't even care.

  • Reply miku san September 5, 2019 at 1:03 pm

    they really hated me tho 🙁

  • Reply teagan mcmunn September 7, 2019 at 5:06 pm

    Why did I relate to this so much 😭

  • Reply Misa September 10, 2019 at 5:41 pm

    All my friends are going to mc Donald’s and I wasn’t invited and now I feel depressed

  • Reply sanji lim September 14, 2019 at 3:43 pm

    hahah i have a few friends but i dont normally get sms from them nor have i get invited, i am guess i am not that sociable or like someone that can easily get into conversation and become a social bee with others. pretty much relatable to the op

  • Reply MaryChun Slone September 17, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    that's what I call fake friends

  • Reply DeanRendar84 September 22, 2019 at 2:48 am

    sometimes its disgruntled fauna sharing the designated safe zone or internet enabled zone, that 2nd half of your sentiment "I get to go home" allowed myself to get used to it and not take it as personal, even though it absolutely is.

  • Reply Christopher Jordon September 22, 2019 at 4:35 pm

    I find this uncomfortably relatable

  • Reply Isobelcate September 22, 2019 at 6:58 pm

    I used to get sad when I saw my friends were hanging out with out me but I didn’t react because I thought they can hang out without me it doesn’t really matter and we’ll hang out another time like always but then that went from hanging out out at school once a month but still hanging out in school to being excluded at school and out of school and I thought to myself it’s fine there probably just having a bad day it’ll be fine tomorrow but it wasn’t this went on for so long of me being excluded and it got to the point where I was asking why did I do something and to this question I got no answer I explained how I felt and it was brushed under the rug instantly and I You ever have that sinking feeling in your chest when something bad happens like when you fail a test or let someone down it’s like like but all the time so when I unfriended them because I realised I’m better then this I don’t deserve to be treated like this I didn’t realise what I was doing because after it was to late it quickly hit me I had to back up friend group I had no one and I’ve never felt more alone so for the past 5 months I’ve literally had no friends so 🤡

  • Reply I'm random September 24, 2019 at 3:21 pm

    yeah my best friend was invited to a party I was the only one left out and she didn't even realise or care whatever. I'm not even introvertet I talk normally to people but for some reason it became their habit to interupt me every time I open my damn mouth. no wonder she blames me for being too quiet. well I was, like a year ago but I've overcome that point and am pretty talkactive (idk if that's a word?) she doesn't even realise. in fact, she's pretty self-centered and extrovertet, everyone likes her and has a crush on her, she's basically the hot girl in class. no wonder I'm left out… still hurts, you know i'm sayin?

  • Reply Hello :D October 10, 2019 at 1:52 am

    Its also rude when you made those 2 friends meet and the only reason there friends is because of you and if it was not for you they would not even no each other existed yet they still don’t invite you this happened to me once and it’s happening again but I won’t let it happen well hopefully

  • Reply Shady_ Leigh October 11, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    Truth be told,I don't know what's happening to my "best friends".
    Here's the deal:
    1.When one of us fights,the one who lost in the fight will be ignored in every one of us!(best friends)
    2.I ALWAYS seem to be the target of fights,maybe because I'm not good at expressing my anger to them..
    3.They seem to only interact with me when they want something.
    It's a little bit sad and awkward when your friends make plans,laugh,joke,talk a lot in front of you,and even when they're your seatmate in EVERY class. I don't know who to talk to,I just always keep my mouth closed,and when I look at them they just rolls their eyes like this "🙄".
    I told my father that I want to transfer to another school,and he just said "endure your friends and people around you and wait for the school year to end." Like wth?! Sigh…but I understand my father, it's too expensive plus,to buy new notebook,and uniforms are really expensive here.

  • Reply S k y K a w a i î October 20, 2019 at 10:25 am

    This made me feel better

    I don’t even wanna go to my friends house with all my friend group and they will take ig stories and photos with me not in it BUT I don’t wanna go to her house I would rather be at home binging yt and being antisocial

  • Reply Julie October 27, 2019 at 4:09 am

    This is when you start reassessing your friend list.

  • Reply b-rad sam October 27, 2019 at 12:50 pm

    Im never invited anywhere thats how it always has been since i was kid

  • Reply Elise R October 27, 2019 at 3:06 pm

    my friends are trick or treating without me 🙁 and that’s the T

  • Reply Melissa Joy October 28, 2019 at 2:57 am

    Well I'm glad you'd just rather be home alone with a book but as an extrovert and someone who never gets invited by friends it's really upsetting. And honestly rude of the friends. Dont make plans in front of people if theyre not invited. My first thought isn't " they hate me" its more simply why don't they like me enough to want me to come to.

    On the flip side I havent had any non family show up to a birthday since I was like 8 so even when I invite them, no one ends up coming

  • Reply ihearttoys October 30, 2019 at 3:17 am

    What if I want to go? Do I just go by myself? I’m young, so what if my parents don’t want me to go? What do I do then? If anyone can give me advice, I’m all ears.

  • Reply ANNIEGIRL 1000 October 30, 2019 at 8:22 pm

    My Best friend and my friend are having a hangout RN at her house and I asked them can I come and she said sure ill ask my mom I said  okay. Later I called my bestfriend..she was at her house and then I was very shooketh of when my frined AND my bestfriend said "Whats your use of calling." and now I am crying literally. Help, I hate them -_-

  • Reply Elizah Gallardo November 3, 2019 at 5:27 pm

    @anna akana thank you, this happened to me today and I started questioning my worth, atleast this cleared my mind.

  • Reply Mr P November 4, 2019 at 5:52 pm

    Yes this happened to me and the relationship did not last because I found out later on that I was never welcome in the group due to cultural differences.

  • Reply ally laverto November 7, 2019 at 12:16 am

    Honestly now I realize I need to stop making people take advantage of you.. like I’m too nice and then they will think there “bigger” then you so that’s the tea sis

  • Reply Christian Tompkins November 9, 2019 at 9:23 pm

    I hate it when your friends say no I can’t do anything today then you look at Snapchat and see their story and their doing stuff with other people that said they weren’t doing things

  • Reply chiboinks November 13, 2019 at 11:28 am

    i felt really left out today, all of my friends are just watching movie together while im here with my other friend wasn't invited

  • Reply Lizzie Howe November 14, 2019 at 8:56 pm

    I asked my friend today to hang out today and she said she couldn’t. But then i saw her and another one of my friends walking around town together.. i roy don’t know what i should do? I wanna say something but i don’t wanna end our friendship

  • Reply Gehhemr Wtbetmu m November 19, 2019 at 4:24 am

    I just don’t get invited cuz my parents are hella overprotected

  • Reply GO _ November 22, 2019 at 6:33 am

    That doesn't help! It still hurts. How do I get over this?

  • Reply Jagjeet Nagra November 23, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    I started a new school recently and I am socially awkward. I met up with my primary school mates and reunited. It’s hard to get close with them because they are always talking about people I don’t know or just always on their phones. They are always making plans without me and taking pictures together. My best friends from my old school are taking tik toks and pictures together. Now I am just jealous and feel really lonely.

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