Kieran Culkin Freaks Out in Real Time About Becoming a First-Time Dad

January 25, 2020

-First of all, congrats. You’re gonna be
a first-time dad. -Oh, my God, yeah.
-This is a big deal. [ Cheers and applause ] -It’s great.
-Well, where are you? Where’s your head right now?
Where’s your headspace? -I don’t have — I’m not having
any of the freak-outs or the nervousness that everyone
tells me I should be having. -Yeah.
-All I am is excited. -Yeah.
-And we’re about 5, 6 weeks away.
Something like that. -Wow. Are you —
-But now that I’m, like, on national television, maybe I
am freaking out a little bit. [ Laughter ]
-That’s right. Sorry about that.
-Sort of in real time, I’m like, “Actually, wait.
I should be nervous.” We are not ready at all. We have a friend of a friend
that loaned us a crib, and that’s all we have. We have not planned
a baby shower. We don’t know what we’re doing.
We are wildly unprepared. I think I am freaking out.
-I’m sorry about that. I don’t want —
Here’s some water right here. I don’t want you to freak out.
But it is a — It’s kind of fun when you have
your first child, if you’re lucky enough
to have a baby. But it’s fun
that everyone gives you advice. -Yeah.
-And everyone gives you books. They give you things. They go, “Don’t have them sleep
on this type of mattress.” -Yeah.
-“Don’t use these nipples. Use this thing.”
-I know. -“They’re environmentally safe.
Use glass –” I go, “Please,
just leave me alone. It’s my baby.”
-There’s so much. And we’re taking these classes.
There’s — Tonight, after this,
I’m doing the third class in the last four days
where you just get about a hundred pieces of information
in an hour, and I don’t know
what to do with it. -You have to get your license
to have a baby. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Yesterday, we did what was like
the baby prep class. And the way we started is,
we went around the room, and all you had to do
was say your name and how much experience you have
with a newborn, like changing diapers
or holding babies. Like, just that. So it goes around,
it comes to me, and I’m like,
“Hi. I’m Kieran. I’ve held some newborns,
friends of mine, and when I was a little kid,
I probably helped my mom with diapers and stuff. And I remember holding
my little brother Rory.” And then, I turn to my wife, and she goes “Hi. I’m Jazz.
I hate babies, and I’m terrified of them
so I never hold them.” [ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God! Enh!
Wrong answer. “Okay.
Let’s try it again, Jazz.” -What I love about that is that I know she’s so happy
being pregnant, and she loves this baby. But what she basically
said to the room is, “I love my child, but I’m going
to hate all of yours.” [ Laughter ] “Anyway, next?”
-She’s gonna see — You start loving every baby.
-I — Well, maybe. -You do. -I took one look at her
when she said that, too, and I was like,
“I’ve never been more in love with anybody in my life.”
-Yeah, that’s true. Yeah. Very good. My advice to you is,
don’t take anyone’s advice. Just go —
-That’s the best advice. -Just go and —
It’ll all work out. It’s great.
And no spoilers. No spoilers for you.
-Thank you. -Let’s talk about “Succession.”
-Okay. -This is a giant —
Yeah, we got one “whoo.” Yeah.
-One person saw the show. It’s great.
-That’s good. -And a bunch of liars. -People are obsessed
with the show. Did you know it was gonna be a
hit when you first did it? -Absolutely not, no.
But I never know that. It’s weird for me
doing a TV show. This the first time
I’ve ever done that, and I’ve been doing this
for 29, 30 years, which is sort of weird to say. I hope that didn’t come off
as obnoxious, but who cares? [ Laughter ] Usually, whenever I do a job,
I don’t usually care what the perception of it
is gonna be, because I’m just like,
“I did my part. However people like it
is none of my business.” Now I’m a little bit like,
“I hope people like it, ’cause I want to keep doing it.”
-Yeah. -So, the fact that people
have been liking the show actually feels really nice.
It’s good. -But, I mean, it’s bizarre that
people like these characters, ’cause they’re awful people. -I’m not sure that
they like the characters. They kind of —
There’s something about them. They just want to watch them and maybe watch them fail
or something. -It’s like watching
“Dancing With the Stars.” You’re like…
[ Laughter ] …kind of rooting for them
but kind of hoping they’re bad. You know? Yeah.
-I get multiple times — And I think that they all think
they’re very original. But people on the street
come up to me, like, “Hey, you’re on that show.”
I’m like, “Thanks.” Like, “You’re an ass [bleep]”
Like, “Oh, thank you.” [ Laughter ]
-There you go. -Yeah.
-“My wife’s pregnant. Thank you very much.”
-Walking with her. -“I’m doing my job.”
-Yeah, it’s a character. -You insult some people.
I mean — -Oh, yeah.
-You go for it. -Oh, there are times
when they’re just like, “You know what?
If you want to, there’s a bunch
of background actors there. Just, like, rip into them.” So, at the end of a take,
I’ll just start making fun of some guy’s beard
and yelling at him, and they go, “Cut,”
and I run over, I’m like,
“I’m Kieran, by the way. Like, they asked me to –”
-“I am so sorry. That’s my character.”
-“That’s Roman. That’s not — yeah.”
-“That is not me at all.” Well, congrats on everything.
-Thank you. -I know you’re getting
a lot of Emmy love, and the show’s a hit, and so
that’s awesome for you, buddy. And congrats more
on being a dad. It’s gonna be great.
Got to come back. -Thank you so much. -We have a clip from
“Succession.” And we had to bleep out
a lot of it. Take a look. -Where’s this coming from? -It’s coming from dad.
-It’s coming from us. -No. What?
Why are we dancing around? It’s coming from dad.
Dad’s worried about you. -Okay.
-I mean, come on. You know how he is.
He doesn’t get it. He still has a plant
out in the Philippines manufacturing Xerox machines
but he’s [bleep] shrewd. And right now —
Right now, his giant cyclops eye is looking in this direction,
and he’s feeling like maybe he bought a giant
pile of bull [bleep] So now here I am to inquire,
in the politest terms possible, what the [bleep] is going on. -There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ] You’re good.
It’s not bad. Kieran Culkin, everybody!

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