Articles, Blog

How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Styles

October 11, 2019


Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent How we choose to react to different situations and the way we express ourselves our behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age When we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment Marriage and family counselors Dr. Mllan and Kay yerkovich discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners But understanding how we love we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships. Hera are dr. Milan and Kaye yorkovich’s five love styles On:e the pleaser. The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent. As children, pleasers do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior, so as to not provoke a negative response from their parent, Pleaser children don’t receive comfort. Instead they spend their time and energy giving comfort to their reactive parent. Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly. They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimalize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations. As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy. However… When pleasers feel stressed or believe that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships. Pleasers often spread themselves thin, trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic and instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves, they focus more on the needs and desires of others in order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their own feelings rather than trying to do what is expected of them Two: the victim. The victim often grows up in a chaotic home. Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive by putting less attention on themselves so they can stay under the radar. To deal with their angry violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet. Because being fully present is painful for them, victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers. They face on a daily basis. Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors as their parents. Victims learn to cope by being adaptable, and going with the flow. They are so used to chaos in stressful situations that when they do experience calmness, it actually makes them feel uneasy because they anticipate the next blow up in order for victims to cultivate healthy stable relationships, they have to learn self-love and stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them. Three: the controller. The controller usually grows up in a home where there wasn’t a lot of protection, so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves. They need to feel in control at all times to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood, from being exposed in their adulthood. People with this love style believe that they’re in control when they can avoid experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness. Controllers, however, don’t associate anger as vulnerability. So they use it as a weapon to remain in power. Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones because it makes them feel weak and unprotected. They prefer to solve problems on their own, and like getting things done in a certain manner, otherwise they get angry. In order for controllers to form stable long lasting relationships, they need to learn how to let go, trust others, and keep their anger at bay. Four: The vacillator. The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent. Vacillators learned that their needs aren’t their parents top priority. Without consistent affection from their parents, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment, but when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it. As vaciillators enter adulthood they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children… Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships, but once they feel led down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful. They often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships. They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and no when people are pulling away. In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy stable relationships, they need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone before committing to soon and getting hurt by their own expectations. Five: the avoider. The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance. As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves starting at a very young age and put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their anxieties of having little to no comfort from their parents. Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions. They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense mood swings. In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy long-lasting relationship,. They need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly. Which love style do you identify with? Please share your thoughts with us below. Also, we’d love to give special thanks to our sponsors, Better Help: An affordable online counseling platform for those who are struggling with mental health. If you’re interested, we’ve included a link in the description below

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100 Comments

  • Reply Psych2Go December 13, 2018 at 4:36 am

    What love style do you relate most to here? (part 2)

  • Reply The Anime Protagonist September 30, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    and.. im all of them?

  • Reply Chihiro Johana September 30, 2019 at 8:52 pm

    Vacillator.

  • Reply Doeb Peace September 30, 2019 at 10:13 pm

    Why are all the parents in these types bad? I would say I’m the pleaser, except that my parents are awesome, kind, and attentive (I’m lucky)

  • Reply ghostchilie October 1, 2019 at 1:53 am

    Why do I relate to the victim so much and the avoider and pleaser

  • Reply Jojo Quinoa October 1, 2019 at 2:41 am

    That moment you're more than one.

  • Reply alyza perreras October 1, 2019 at 3:38 am

    when im lowkey all of these

  • Reply Pinkpuppet 2005 October 1, 2019 at 3:41 am

    A piece of everyone

  • Reply Twilight Sparkle October 1, 2019 at 4:13 am

    Number 5 is honestly spot on

  • Reply Ben King October 1, 2019 at 4:25 am

    I might be a combination of the of the two life styles

    The Controller, The Victim

  • Reply Kanedra Renee October 1, 2019 at 4:54 am

    Shit I’m all the above ?

  • Reply [TSA]canal mais variado/ most random channel October 1, 2019 at 8:21 pm

    Sooooo
    I Will never get a relationship?at least my girlfirend cant abuse me if she doesnt exist

  • Reply Sara Szlendak October 1, 2019 at 10:31 pm

    Im a controller.

  • Reply Sugar Strawberry October 2, 2019 at 12:14 am

    Victim. Describes me to a ti, but my parents weren't messed up, they just yelled a lot and were stressed from having some special needs children.

  • Reply Huy Nguyen October 2, 2019 at 12:47 am

    I'm the vacillator

  • Reply mi el October 2, 2019 at 1:37 am

    the pleaser definitely. i was raised to be submissive, well behaved and have the perfect grades, also to always be nice and show no distress to others (?) it's really annoying to feel like a push over easy to control now that I'm in my twenties, it's so hard to not try to please people and obey immediately

  • Reply Irridessa Amore October 2, 2019 at 2:01 am

    My biological and step father were both abusive alcoholics who left so I associate love with pain. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’m too scared of being hurt like my dads hurt me.

  • Reply EllaBean October 2, 2019 at 5:53 am

    What about parents that aren’t bad at being parents? Strict but loving. Big families where the attention is split but everyone is relatively happy? Single parents? Yeah its true that your childhood effects how you love I don’t think its right to generalize love style by types of childhood trauma

  • Reply lonelyrainCloud October 2, 2019 at 11:23 am

    I think i'm whole fusion of :
    – Pleaser
    – Avoider
    – Victim
    Since (1)i'll always try to please everyone else,but i keep on ignoring myself (2) i always give in to anyone,even if they're wrong or made a decision that doesn't pleases me. Aka,going with the flow (3) i rarely rely on my feelings,i mostly rely on logic

  • Reply Random Human October 2, 2019 at 3:18 pm

    I was taken away from angel of a mother when I was little (she had her struggles but really is great ❤️) and grew up jumping from one foster home to another for a large part of my childhood…I identify most with “the vacillator” as an adult

  • Reply Tochta12 October 2, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    I Think those love styles focus too much on the negative Side. As if every childhood was that bad and every Relationship consists of two broken home partners

  • Reply Johnny J October 2, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    What if you didn’t grow up with parents?

  • Reply Kori B October 2, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    ….why do I relate to 4 of these????

  • Reply sia sia October 2, 2019 at 10:02 pm

    avoider; but I regret sharing my feelings

  • Reply hi my name is isaiah October 3, 2019 at 1:01 am

    Im thinking i might be the vacilator or the avoider ?

  • Reply YesHuh October 3, 2019 at 1:33 am

    my love style is basically all of these except a controller ;/

  • Reply Anna Jessica Ventanilla October 3, 2019 at 6:42 am

    I'm part Victim, part Controller

  • Reply Luis Perez October 3, 2019 at 10:37 am

    I'm easily the pleaser.

  • Reply Danny Dorito October 3, 2019 at 11:28 am

    my mom always leave me alone at the house in the middle of the night so she can party and I would always wake up to look for her and cry 🙁

  • Reply Kaya Panikovski Helms October 3, 2019 at 3:18 pm

    I am all these in one im a mess

    Do y'all think i had bad parents or something?

    Ohp not really the vacillator.

  • Reply HetaliaRussiaFan 01 October 3, 2019 at 5:35 pm

    I'm a mix of some of these.

  • Reply Riley Cambridge October 3, 2019 at 6:31 pm

    Totally an avoider

  • Reply Cleagcorrea October 3, 2019 at 9:36 pm

    Pleaser

  • Reply Peachy Cat October 3, 2019 at 10:58 pm

    I'm the vacillator :'l

  • Reply Andson Rebello October 4, 2019 at 4:06 am

    I'm the fucker
    I fuck things up, and get fucked over.

  • Reply Chelsea Loves to Animate October 4, 2019 at 8:29 am

    i think im a pleaser wut r u?

  • Reply Namjoon's Expensive Girl October 4, 2019 at 9:42 am

    I'm not dating but according to the childhood facts, I'm mostly the pleaser, controller and avoider so love that for me

  • Reply TOTENGOTT October 4, 2019 at 2:27 pm

    Im all 5 more or less…..you cant put people in a box.

  • Reply Moriartea October 4, 2019 at 6:53 pm

    I'm a mix between The Pleaser and The Victim

  • Reply M N October 4, 2019 at 8:50 pm

    I’m the vacillator ? ?

  • Reply Unique Horsemanship October 4, 2019 at 11:44 pm

    Pleaser

  • Reply Onix Rodriguez October 5, 2019 at 4:06 am

    I’m definitely The Pleaser

  • Reply Jordan Botes October 5, 2019 at 7:06 am

    And what about people who grew up in a healthy home?

  • Reply Sigma Geranimo October 5, 2019 at 12:00 pm

    never trust women.

  • Reply MissRaePlays October 5, 2019 at 1:39 pm

    I would say I'm more of a Pleaser, Victim, and Vacilliator since I grew up in a tough life.

  • Reply Roman Lovely October 5, 2019 at 5:34 pm

    Well what am I, I share things from all 5

  • Reply Monpaint October 5, 2019 at 6:18 pm

    I'm a bit from everything but mostly the avoider

  • Reply PirateQueen D October 5, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    I identify with all of the.. but mostly the pleaser. I notice this more and more. Not only with my relationships but friends and even at work?

  • Reply Jayventurous B.B. October 5, 2019 at 10:08 pm

    Oh snap.. I'm 200% controller..
    Help

  • Reply Security Guard October 5, 2019 at 11:28 pm

    I don't think it is really right to make people in groups because sometimes a person can be all of those sometimes or even three of types of lovers

  • Reply Liss Heryn October 6, 2019 at 12:56 am

    I do not identify with any of these

  • Reply Gamer craft's October 6, 2019 at 1:49 am

    I’m the pleaser..

  • Reply Starrie Skaggs October 6, 2019 at 2:48 am

    I think I'm a mix of The victim and The controller..

  • Reply Kirara's Mom October 6, 2019 at 3:05 am

    Pleaser, victim, controller, and the fifth one.

  • Reply Annelies Bergkotte October 6, 2019 at 7:25 am

    bro…I'm all of them…is that even possible??

  • Reply Dixie Normous October 6, 2019 at 7:42 am

    What if you feel like you're in-between 2 of them (for me victim and pleaser)

  • Reply Unidentified Butter October 6, 2019 at 10:17 am

    I don't know, think I'll just raise the shit out of my kids

  • Reply It is Wednesday My Gorls October 6, 2019 at 12:04 pm

    Psych2Go: "The Pleaser…receives no comfort."
    Me: bawls my eyes out

  • Reply Possessed Potato Bird Official October 6, 2019 at 12:40 pm

    I'm a controller and a pleaser

  • Reply 純ジュン October 6, 2019 at 2:18 pm

    I have traits of the pleaser, vacillator and avoider all at the same time.

    Two words: 'Asian parents'.

  • Reply Rafaela Menezes October 6, 2019 at 2:54 pm

    Mix between vaccilator and avoider. Is it possible be more than one?

  • Reply ZapTuno October 6, 2019 at 4:58 pm

    Am i weird i am half Pleaser half avoider i usualy try to avoid everything and i am fine being alone i even like it but i like to please other aswell and i avoid being in a arguments am i weird?

  • Reply This Is Kat Dancing Away From The Bullsh!t October 6, 2019 at 5:11 pm

    I’m a 4 start hot mess ??

  • Reply LovelyRadiant Unicorn October 6, 2019 at 5:35 pm

    I'm a vacillator. But it isn't because of my parents. Ever since I met my first boyfriend I always thought that I would be with them forever. I know childish belief. But, I really thought that they had grown to like me for who I was. But in every relationship I was in, there was always something that either I did, or something that they did that really bothered me and every single relationship. I'm in another relationship with with a boy named Jesse. He has known me for 2 years in school and he knows almost everything about me. He knows I can have a short fuse with people, he accepts that I can get frustrated easily, he knows how I can't in upsetting or stressful situations, and we share many negative opinions about the same things and we have a decent laugh about it. And he still accepted my feeling when I told him. But… I still have a huge fear of him abandoning me like my past 3 boyfriends did… One lied about breaking up with me for not being responsible enough when in truth he thought I was too much to handle, one left because he grew affections for my cousin, and the last one left me because 1. He cheated when he got drunk
    And 2. He left me to get back with his ex-girlfriend (before me) who cheated on him not too long after…. I'm just so scared jesse will leave me to no matter how many times he puts up with me. I'm clingy because I want to make sure I can make him happy but once again, I feel that I may be secretly bothering him… I've talked to my parents about it but I still worry. Anyone have advice for me?

  • Reply yasemin bakal October 6, 2019 at 5:57 pm

    I'm a 3 and he is a 5… so any help is accepted my friend

  • Reply Shoune Shoune October 6, 2019 at 8:17 pm

    Okay so I think I am a controler…. This might explain things

  • Reply Christo DeCare October 6, 2019 at 11:02 pm

    I guess i am a mix of 1,2 and 5.

  • Reply After School Vlogs October 7, 2019 at 1:06 am

    I relate to all 5

  • Reply bømpy October 7, 2019 at 2:45 am

    The Pleaser resonated with me.
    I've lied quite a few times to avoid confrontation, or gave up my own opinion to stop an argument.
    I even remember giving gifts to my parents because I wanted to make them happy. I grew up being criticized and therefore, I hammered the mentality into my mind that I always had to do everything my parents wanted me to do just so I can make them happy. I try my best to be respectful and kind and all that just so my parents don't scold me or give me looks. Looks that say "stop that". I've taught myself to stop and think before i do anything around my parents.
    It even took me months to finally tell my mom I'm depressed because I was so scared she was going to ignore me or push me away.

  • Reply Kiwi Howl October 7, 2019 at 2:54 am

    I'm either the second or last

  • Reply Rain_ 106 October 7, 2019 at 3:37 am

    Imagine thinking love is something people understand.

  • Reply Victoria McReyd October 7, 2019 at 6:29 am

    With the avoider..most of all but I have reactive parents that never showed their affection towards my sister and I,turned to be more reactive,impulsive and aggressive,avoiding to show vulnerability and my extreme sensitivity ?

  • Reply Kiara Griffin October 7, 2019 at 10:52 am

    I'm a people pleaser.

  • Reply Sara W October 7, 2019 at 12:58 pm

    I think Iam an Vacillator… but I am not sure yet

  • Reply sleppycat October 7, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    Mix of vacillator and avoider here

  • Reply konrad-manne löwenhamn October 7, 2019 at 1:39 pm

    Is there any science behind this? Like all of these aply to me somewhat and i'm guessing most people, like it just feels really good to be put in a group and have your personnalaty handed to you in a neat little package but i see no one here questioning this

  • Reply 陆凝 October 7, 2019 at 3:37 pm

    I really want to know the references…

  • Reply Wolf Pack Gaming October 7, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    I feel like I’m a mixture of a couple

  • Reply Nadia Kbiri October 7, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    What about calm, eventless childhood? With present loving parents..

  • Reply Capitán del Espacio October 7, 2019 at 11:35 pm

    I can't relate to any of this :/

  • Reply Martha Crust October 8, 2019 at 4:18 am

    I'm 4 of the 5. I'm not the pleaser.

  • Reply Diablo's Storm October 8, 2019 at 6:21 am

    IM CRYING, HELP

  • Reply Axel Kookie October 8, 2019 at 11:45 am

    I don't want to bring a child of my own to this world. Kinda scary

  • Reply Chad October 8, 2019 at 1:55 pm

    Avoider is the closest to me.

  • Reply Dennis Güntner October 8, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    Dislike. Cause the Video doesn't show what a healthy child parent Relationship would mean for the adult. It suggests that there is no healthy one and that everyone has problems, therefore the ones who recover from this problems feel better about themself.

    Wouldn't it be better to show how healthy people are?

  • Reply Blaknorris October 8, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    When you realised you're all of them at once…i truly am fucked ?

  • Reply Immense Master October 8, 2019 at 8:03 pm

    I'm a mix of controller, avoider and pleaser.

  • Reply Sigma October 9, 2019 at 12:10 am

    I'm totally a pleaser. I grew up in a family where you're always going to get praised for doing good in anything. On the opposite, if I messed up, I get scolded non-stop. This affected my previous relationship where I would always try to please my partner and she hated how much I did it. She felt like I never did those things out of love but, just to please her. I'm really having a hard time trying to recover from this and I don't know what to do anymore.

  • Reply les rivas October 9, 2019 at 5:01 am

    Everything makes sense now v:

  • Reply Morag Magic October 9, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    1. The pleaser- Need to be honest about their own feelings.
    2. The victim- Need to stand up for themselves and develop self love.
    3. The controller – Need to learn how to learn how to let go and not be angry.
    4. The vascillator- Need to learn how to pace themselves on a relationship
    5. Avoiders- Need to learn how to open up.

    I think I'm a bit of all of them, but definitely 1 &2.

  • Reply Zaydyn Wornham October 9, 2019 at 9:28 pm

    I am 50 or 25 percent pleaser

  • Reply Kukumber Doggo October 9, 2019 at 10:21 pm

    I’m actually 2! The pleaser and the victim

  • Reply Sam Nicole October 10, 2019 at 3:24 am

    Well, fuck. I'm definitely the vacillator. 🙁

  • Reply CHEYENNE BARRETT October 10, 2019 at 4:36 am

    I am a pleaser. For sure….

  • Reply Kira Smith October 10, 2019 at 10:12 am

    The avoider
    The controller
    The pleaser

    Me:

  • Reply petra 3 October 10, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    The pleaser

  • Reply mya shaw October 10, 2019 at 11:33 pm

    I guess I'm the Avoider and besides I literally avoid a lot of people at school

  • Reply Animated NERD October 11, 2019 at 3:08 am

    Is it weird that I act of all of those

  • Reply Farah Leong October 11, 2019 at 3:40 am

    I identify with pleaser, victim, controller…

  • Reply SM Foley October 11, 2019 at 9:23 am

    oh no. I'm out.

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