Articles, Blog

How to Work With Your Partner’s Love Style

November 10, 2019


In the past we released a video on how your childhood affects your love style. Now that you’ve identified what your core patterns are, we figured it would be helpful to offer insights on how to work with each love style. Whether your partner is prone to being a distant avoider or an anxious vacillator, know that working out your differences will only strengthen your relationship in the end. Here are five tips on how to work with your partner’s love style. One: the pleaser Charming, nice and known as the stereotypical good students, these type of people actually grew up walking on eggshells. Their parents were most likely either overly critical, overly protective or both. As a result, they have a hard time setting boundaries, saying no and do their best to maintain peace even at their own expense. In relationships they don’t deal with conflict well and may try to avoid it altogether by resorting to bad habits such as lying. To resolve issues with the pleaser show them that it’s normal for things to get messy. But instead of getting mad at them let them know that you want their honest input not something sugar-coated. Two: the victim Victims grew up in a violent, abusive environment. Consequently, they do not like to attract much attention to themselves and prefer to blend in the background. Often compliant and adaptable, it can be hard to tell whether a victim is suffering or not. Common problems they face are putting up with toxic behaviour and choosing a partner who repeats the abusive behavior they’ve been accustomed to. In order to work with a victim provide the encouragement they lacked growing up and set healthy, consistent habits to let them know they are safe with you. Three: the controller Bossy, intimidating and quick to anger, these type of people adopted a black and white mentality at a young age. Either you are controlled or do the controlling. In relationships partners may find them rigid and selfish with their expectations and threatening during breaking points. Inside though they’re definitely hurting. When working with a controller don’t give them the upper hand nor excuse their toxic behavior. Instead, meet in the middle. Let them know that you aren’t the main source of their pain, but rather it’s the unresolved childhood memory they need to address. Four: the vacillator Vacillators grew up in an unpredictable household. Fearing abandonment and yearning for stability, these individuals have felt misunderstood their whole lives. Still, they managed to remain idealistic searching for their soulmate. They have to be careful however, with their starry-eyed nature. Prone to venting, anger and guilt, vacillators will often be paralyzed by the problems they face. They may expect their partners to come up with solutions instead of standing on their own two feet. To work with a vacillators, provide emotional support and listen to their frustrations. Ask them questions and help them reflect on potential solutions, but don’t do the work for them. Over time this will help them realize they are capable of more than they usually think. Five: the avoider Known to be self-sufficient, these types of people value their space and freedom above everyone. Since they come from a background where little to no support was offered they learn to mature fast and take care of themselves. In relationships common problems avoiders face include being dismissive of their partner’s feelings, having difficulty providing empathy and creating too many boundaries to the point of being unreachable. To work with an avoider never try to force ideas onto them or throw temper tantrums. This will only cause them to retreat or shut down even more. Avoiders can get easily overwhelmed if you’re being too emotional or defensive. Give them time to cool off and attempt to problem-solve with them when the both of you are clear minded. Is your love style compatible with your partner’s? What are some challenges you’re facing? Let us know in the comments section below. For more helpful content, please be sure to also subscribe to our channel. Thanks for watching! Hey guys, my name is Yumi and I am one of the partners of psych2go. Today I’m not only here to introduce myself but to also introduce you guys to our amazing psych2go magazines. Don’t they look wonderful? These magazines were all created by our amazing and talented magazine manager Imogen. She put all her time and hard work just to create this for you guys. So everyone can have a little piece of psych2go wherever you guys are. So we are gonna do a little giveaway right now. So we’re gonna pick three winners. There’s no deadline to this at all. And all you gotta do is three little things, okay? Number one is to follow and subscribe to our YouTube channel if you haven’t done so already. Number two is either take a picture of, you know, this picture right here, a screenshot or any picture of psych2go and#psych2go on your social media, Instagram, Facebook, tumblr, whatever it is. And number three: we’re gonna have a link down below of a really short questionnaire for us to connect with you and get to know you guys a little bit more. Okay, but that’s about it. We want to thank you for all your support through our amazing amazing psychology company, and we wouldn’t be here without you guys. So, thank you and thanks for tuning in. Bye!

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36 Comments

  • Reply Youtube Punisher November 2, 2019 at 9:55 pm

    You forgot psycho latina

  • Reply icky Vicky November 3, 2019 at 4:00 pm

    oh wtf i thought it said parents

  • Reply Thesquish November 4, 2019 at 2:59 am

    Im an avoider and vacilator and shes a pleaser and victim.

    Shes emotional and quick to rant and vent. Im so used to being on my own that i often find this annoying. This isnt fair and one of the things im working on is trying harder to focus on just her and reminding myself that i am not just me anymore, im an us. That just because I love the world i live in. We are sharing a life together now. We just recently moved into together and this is one thing im anxious about. That the constant contact and support she craves is not something i can give easily. I love this girl and will do my best but change is scary.

    Any advice would be great.

    P.S. we talk, alot, im pretty open and have gotten her to be as well. Constantly communitcating is the basis for our relationship but I dont think she understands how much i crave being along sometimes. Wish us luck.

  • Reply Broken Bones November 4, 2019 at 3:35 am

    Oooooo nnooooo

    I don’t like the fact that the dislikes are 666 at the time of this comment.

  • Reply TellyJart November 4, 2019 at 4:50 am

    …. I'm literally none of these love styles…. What????

  • Reply Key Llor that one guy who doesn't get likes November 4, 2019 at 7:08 am

    Im still single, I don't know why I'm here

  • Reply Ty Hill November 4, 2019 at 11:43 am

    I’m a mix between a controller and an avoider and my ex was a mix between a victim and avoider as well .. yeah I don’t think it was ever gonna work (but at least I tried to understand him and where he came from – thanks to Psych2Go)

  • Reply Desmond Crimes November 4, 2019 at 10:42 pm

    I think you practically told my life story with the first one lol

  • Reply Tobyas Ortiz November 5, 2019 at 1:21 am

    I'm a pleaser, it's true, kind souls suffer the most.

  • Reply Andrew Gravesen November 5, 2019 at 5:09 am

    bold of you to assume i have a partner

  • Reply Sarcasynronic November 5, 2019 at 9:14 am

    I thought it said parents

  • Reply painsylvio November 5, 2019 at 3:08 pm

    Thank you very much for your channel, it has helped me reassure what I've learned about myself through self therapy related to past trama and abuse. It has helped me and my relationship a lot and is helping more everyday. Thank you again and great work making a change in the world

  • Reply BEPPEJHA November 6, 2019 at 1:59 am

    Damn i am the vacillator

  • Reply Luiz Marinho November 6, 2019 at 3:39 am

    Why is Youtube recommending this to me? Lol. I've never had a gf.

  • Reply Dara Bounds November 6, 2019 at 5:45 am

    I have a mix of the pleaser, the victim and the vacillator. She is hard to help but I am trying hard. I'm a pleaser, quickly skipping important work because of her emotional issues. I ignored my own issues for others very often. Idk how well this will work

  • Reply Céfiro De Winter November 6, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    Error 404 missing partner

    How to proceed?

  • Reply Nichole Talbot November 6, 2019 at 10:55 pm

    Fuck damn i guess Im a vacilator

  • Reply Astrius November 7, 2019 at 12:00 pm

    All the couples represented in the video were heterosexual.

  • Reply MattPaint November 7, 2019 at 6:59 pm

    why am i both a vacillator and a pleaser..?

  • Reply Payote Pete November 7, 2019 at 10:51 pm

    I’m a vacillator my lady has been an avoider.. is it doomed?

  • Reply beststarter November 8, 2019 at 12:17 am

    I'm category 6, fat.

  • Reply ً November 8, 2019 at 12:28 am

    Lmao I’m a avoider sksksksk

  • Reply A G November 8, 2019 at 9:32 am

    This sounds more like a recipe to become your partners – therapist? I agree that you should show honest interest, express empathy, set boundaries. But it's not your job to implicitly "help" a person who doesn't recognize their underlying issues. Don't forget the mutual nature of relationships. Your partner also needs to grow to love you better – your effort alone won't turn a bad relationship into a good one.

  • Reply Sjoera Valkenburg November 8, 2019 at 12:47 pm

    I read how to work with your parents love style.😅😂😂 but that gave me idea. Make a video how to work with all kinds of parents. Anyway this is my first video of you. So maybe you have one already. Idk

  • Reply AW W November 8, 2019 at 1:00 pm

    I feel like 1 and 4 but not because of my past but because of my inner personality…
    And 3 needs psychiatric help

  • Reply anything but my real name November 8, 2019 at 7:56 pm

    Ol bluey got those thighs

  • Reply MCL _official November 9, 2019 at 1:31 am

    Youtube recommending me this vid shows that it believes I'll eventually have a gf… That's a cute thought.

  • Reply My True Love is My FR-S November 9, 2019 at 1:38 am

    where's the psycho at? This video was useless..

  • Reply RJ fiel Vaal November 9, 2019 at 8:40 am

    What if one of you is a controller and one is an avoider??

  • Reply coldfire 10k November 9, 2019 at 8:40 am

    These are all me but abused

  • Reply Endmepl3ase November 9, 2019 at 11:50 am

    I miss cierra

  • Reply Zoo Wee Mama November 9, 2019 at 9:14 pm

    no beta vs alpha

  • Reply Alli YAFF November 9, 2019 at 9:39 pm

    Okay this seems a little like bullshit. Sure there are people who fall into these categories, but many people fall outside and in between them.

  • Reply WorldWide Paige November 10, 2019 at 1:52 am

    I am kinda a vacillator. I fear young aged death. So I want to find a love life as fast as possible if that happens.

  • Reply Noth ??? November 10, 2019 at 2:48 am

    I'm pleaser, and he's a vacillator. This vid helped me realize I may have be a bit more of a wheelchair than a crutch for him, because of said need to please. Lately, I've been encouraging him to make his own conclusions with what to do with his problems after he vents, and supporting what he decides to do. It's definitely a bit less stress on me, and he seems quite the bit happier with himself! This video was great <3

  • Reply Pvt. Groundmiss November 10, 2019 at 6:50 am

    Honestly if you have an avoider lover, leave them. You give them space to the point where they just up and leave.

  • Reply thedeadthorn thorn November 10, 2019 at 3:35 pm

    Im am number 1 😵

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