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16 Personalities at a Wedding Reception

October 8, 2019


– Okay, so to recoup the money that I spent being in this wedding, I need to have about ten drinks and five of every appetizer. Let me get on that right now. When am I getting married? Well, it’s on my five-year
plan, so check in with me then. Hopefully I won’t have to give up and die alone, ha ha, we’ll see. Would I like to dance? Why, no, sweetheart. I’d prefer to stay within
arm’s reach of the bar for the rest of the reception alone. So between the cost of the venue, the DJ, the food and drink for
approximately 150 people, the flowers, and so on,
I think I have found the convenient excuse
to stay single forever. It’s great that you sat me at the table with all the old people, I’m having a great time over there, but I’m concerned about your Aunt Hilda. She has been hitting on me
all night and I’m scared. Beautiful wedding, lovely couple,
but the meal was dreadful. The steak, overdone. The potatoes, bland. The asparagus, overdone. I need to have a word
with that chef right now and tell him to shut it down. Look, I’m sorry I got your grandpa wasted. When he sent me to get him an iced tea, I just assumed he meant Long Island. Britney, honey, I know you’re upset. I know you’re upset that Amber was off making
out with your boyfriend in the bathroom, totally not cool, but today isn’t about you two
and your issues, now is it? So let’s save the drama
and hit that dance floor. Two people committing
themselves to one another till death do they part is a noble thing, but how do they know they’re strong enough to weather life’s hardships together without hurting the
other or drifting apart? Oh, and hey, we’re cutting the cake, yay, we’re happy, yeah. I couldn’t think of what gift to get for the couple who has everything. So instead, I wrote a little song, and it goes something like this. ♪ Timmy, you’re my best friend ♪ ♪ And you’re marrying
the girl I used to love ♪ Yeah, I got them this fancy blender off of their wedding registry, but let me ask you something. Let’s say this doesn’t work
out, I’m not saying it won’t, but let’s say in a few years
things are not so great, it doesn’t work out, can I then go ask them
for that blender back? Man, it is so cool that
you guys are going to Italy on your honeymoon, I love it there. I wish I could go back, but after that last night in Florence, they kind of gave me a lifetime ban. What are you gonna do? I was not crying during
my speech, okay guys? It’s just the lights were in my eyes and they hurt. Look, I’m happy for them, I really am, but don’t you think I should be the one getting married first? I mean, I’m cool. I’m attractive. If you choose the right partner, marriage is an essential foundation in an otherwise
fundamentally chaotic world. But if you choose the wrong partner, that’s a disaster that
could ruin your life. So, cheers to you, and here’s hoping you chose
correctly, and thank you. Oh yeah, man, we go way back, me and the groom and the bride, longtime friends. We were basically like
Harry, Ron, and Hermione, you know what I’m saying? We were tight. I’m so glad they invited
me to their wedding. I can’t believe I’m here and finally seeing them together forever. The institution of marriage. Am I even recording? I can’t remember the lines. Hopefully I won’t have to
give up and die alone, ha ha, we’ll see. (chuckles sadly)

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