Articles, Blog

16 Personalities as Girlfriends

October 11, 2019

– Oh, that’s really nice that
you want to go out tonight, but I was just about to start
gaming, and I’ve already taken my bra off for the evening, so… Just try me in a couple of weeks, okay? As part of your boyfriend
duties, you need to be able to carry me out of a burning building, so we’re going to keep
practicing this until you get it right. And no. You can’t have a drink of water. You don’t get a water break. What are you, a girl? (mocking sobbing) “Oh, I can’t lift my girlfriend. She’s so heavy. She’s
only 5’1″, but it’s still too much for my weak little
arms.” (fake sobbing) I’m so sorry I’m late,
but on the way over here I passed the animal
shelter, and I thought, “I’ll just pop in. I’ll
see what’s going on.” And, well, to make a long story short, I have a little guy that I
want you to meet. (dog barking) And his five brothers. (dog barking) So I just got off the
phone with Jenny right now, and she was like, “Girl,
you will not believe what I have to tell you,” and I was like, “Sis, I am ready. Spill the tea.” And she was telling me all
about her date with Timmy last night, and boy, (fingers snapping) are you even listening to me right now? Excuse me, boyfriend,
but the correct procedure for using the restroom
at my apartment involves putting the seat down
when you are finished. This is the third time this
month I have fallen in. Okay, I’ll try to be on my best behavior at your grandma’s birthday
party, but if your Aunt Hilda starts going on again about how Sean Connery was a better
Bond than Roger Moore, I will come at her. I will kick the oxygen tank
right out from under her. Hey, so, if you accidentally
forget my birthday again this year, I might accidentally
forget I have a boyfriend and accidentally reactivate
my Tinder account. Hey, babe, is it hot in
here, or is it just you? Actually, I know it’s hot in here, because the air conditioning is broken and I keep forgetting to call a repairman. Honey, we need to talk about this outfit. I mean, I appreciate that
you’re trying to repel other women, but the denim
jacket is just too much. Thank you so much for
telling me all the things that you love about my mind and my soul. I’m so glad to know that you don’t just like me
for my body, which I spend countless grueling hours
in the gym to maintain. – [Man] What do you want to do for our date night tonight, girlfriend? – The same thing we do
every date night, boyfriend: try to sneak into a movie. Yeah, babe, I fixed your
car. Don’t worry your pretty little head about the details. Just make yourself useful
and make me a sandwich. I know it’s been a while since we’ve spent some time together, so I put
some 15-minute appointment slots in my Google
calendar, and maybe you can pencil yourself in between
my kickboxing class and my board meeting on Wednesday night. But don’t be late, or
else you will forfeit the appointment slot. No, I will not accept your apology after what you said to me earlier. Oh, wait, you have snacks. Never mind. Yay, you’re forgiven. Thank you. Why do we have to keep arguing like this? Why do you keep yelling at me? – [Man] All I did was ask you where you put the peanut butter. – Stop threatening me. I feel threatened. I’m so grateful to have met my soulmate, so that I don’t have to
make small talk with weirdos on dating sites ever again. Rad. (mocking laughter)
Do you even lift, bro? She’s telling me all about her date with Demi last–(laughs) last night. So I just got off the
phone with Jenny. Timmy. Tinny and Jenny.
(stammers and buzzes lips)

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